The Akatsuki Wars
by WhiteOranges
Summary: Miranda and Jess, daughter of Pein and daughter of Madara. This two best friends are more hyper than Tobi himself. They have one goal, to disgrace the worlds most feared organization every day.
1. Chapter 1

Miranda:

Age: 13

Hair: Black

Eyes: Gray

Daddy-kins: Pein (Fluffy!!!)

Jessica:

Age: 13 (m: how long have you been 13? Jess: a while…)

Hair: Black

Eyes: Blue

Daddy-kins: Madara-sama!!! (TOBI-KUN!!!)

Story Starts:

"FLUFFY!!!" Jessica and Miranda yelled jumping on him as he sat on the couch. He ducked making them land on the ground. "Ouch!"

"Fluffy!! That was mean!!" Jess said and stuck her tongue out at him. Miranda nodded.

"Next time let us tackle you!" M cried at her dad. "You meany bobiny slowviny!"

"I'm bored, let's go annoy Tachi-sensei!" Jess said. Pein looked up at them gray eyes meeting gray eyes and blue ones.

"He'll kill you." he said. They smiled.

"Which is the beauty of it all!" Miranda said.

"God Fluffy, it's like you don't know us at all!"

"Oh I know you. Which is why I'm warning you. He'll kill you." he said. "But fine. Go ahead."

"Oh! We should annoy sushi boy too!"

"Let's go ask if we can make sushi out of him!" Miranda's eyes widened with excitement.

"He'll kill us! Then we can hide behind Tobi… and then… Hee hee."

"Oh, if he tries to kill us, Tobi will kill him. Then we can make sushi!!" Miranda nodded. Pein glared at them.

"Must you plan the death of my members in front of me? Go play somewhere else." At that point both of them where laughing.

"That was so wrong dad!"

"What'd I say? Oh, wait. Stop being perverted! You're too young to talk like that!" Miranda pouted. Jessica grimaced. They both stuck their tongues out at him and left the room. They walked to Itachi's room and the door was locked.

"Fuck, Kisame move over!" Itachi yelled.

"You two better not be having sex in there!" Jess screamed. Miranda looked at Jess wide eyed. She mouthed 'wtf?' Jess laughed. Itachi opened the door. He looked down at the girls red with embarrassment and fury. "Hi." She said.

"What do you two want?" he asked. Onyx eyes turned red.

"What were you two doing in there" Jess asked in a childish voice while smiling innocently at him.

"None of your damn business!" Itachi said.

"I knew it! You are gay!"

"I think I just might go to Konaha and congratulate Sasuke on having a gay big brother." Miranda said with fake tears in her eyes. She faned her face with her hand trying to look like she was banishing tears.

"Did you just come here to annoy me or did you want something?" He asked impatient.

Miranda motioned him closer. He bent down to whisper in his ear. "Can we cook Kisame?" Itachi looked at them.

"No! You can't cook him!"

"Why? Too busy fucking him?" Jessica asked.

"And giving each other blow jobs." Miranda added.

"Goodbye." Itachi said and closed the door.

"Of course, can't wait to get back to your lover!" Jess said.

"Itachi-kun!" Miranda knocked on the door. He opened the door again. Miranda smiled, "Make sure the two of you are done by dinner!"

"And use protection!" Jess added. He glared down at them.

"One day. Daddy won't be around and I'll kill you both." he said. Miranda pouted.

"But… Jessie is related to you… and I'm supportive of gay marriage."

"Yeah. Just remember, there is nothing wrong with you. It's totally normal to be gay. But, on second thought, most people aren't gay with a fish!" Jess said.

Behind the door Kisame yelled, "I'm a shark!!!"

"And my mother is a hamster!" Miranda yelled back. "And my father smelt of elderly goat!" Itachi's eye brow rose.

"Pein smells of elderly goat?"

"No now he smells of Konan."

"Which is worse."

"It truly is… Lets go steal Hidan's scythe and put in Kakuzu's money!"

"Ok. Have fun you two!" Kisame jumped out of the room. With no shirt.

"We are not doing anything!!!"

"When you are not wearing a shirt you expect us to believe you?"

"We are mot gay!!!"

"Well, since you're a fish it probably wouldn't be considered gay. So in that case you'd be right. But let's look at it this way. If Orochimaru isn't gay, you're not gay."

"And uncle Orochimaru is gay."

"Just ask Sasuke." The two men stared as the two girls walked to the sleeping Jashinist room.

"Where is it?" Miranda said.

"I don't know? I've never been in his room before." Jessica said.

"No one has. Ok. Find it." They scattered into the room and found the scythe. They crept into Kakuzu's room.

"What are you two doing here?"

"Oh, nothing." Jess said innocently.

"When ever you say you are not up to something you are. I've lived with you two long enough to know." Miranda had the scythe hidden behind her.

"Oh come on we couldn't come in here and say a friendly hi to our uncle?"

"No." He answered.

"God! Sue us for trying to be nice!" Jess said acting insulted.

Kakuzu sighed. "What did you steal? From who? Why are you trying to sell it?"

"We aren't trying to sell it this time." Miranda said smiling.

"Last time we did that Konan got mad."

"That's because you were selling her as a prostitute." He said.

"And it was completely justified!" Miranda yelled. "She is one! She just hides it! I mean seriously. Let us sit down and think about truly the number of men she's dating. There's Daddy, Itachi, Sasori…"

"I thought Itachi was gay?"

"Bi. And Sasuke and Orochimaru… and the list keeps going!"

"Isn't Sasuke 13? Damn she's desperate."

"We all realized that when she went out with that married man." Kakuzu said.

"So, do you see our point? We had a reason for that one!"

"Plus… you won't loan Daddy money so we thought of doing a good deed and selling her."

"We're so thoughtful."

Kakuzu looked at them. "No."

"Meany." He shrugged.

"Shouldn't you be getting on with the hiding with your stolen item?"

"No, because then you'll know what we stole and where we hid it. Then it's just no fun."

Miranda looked at Jess. "We can hide it…" she stopped and started laughing. She dragged Jess out of the room. "Hide it in Itachi's bedroom."

"But he's busy with Kisame!"

"Exactly." she said. "Hidan will walk right into the room… while they are 'busy'."

"But so will we. And that is probably not a pretty site."

"Vents."

"You are an evil little girl." Miranda sighed.

"Oh… I know… MWAHAHAHA!!!!!!"

"That was just scary."

"What do you think? My laugh is nice? I'm Pein's daughter! I'm destined to conquer the world bitches!!!"

"Good point." Jess and M laughed.


	2. Chapter 2

Story Starts:

Dinner at the Akatsuki. The table seemed peaceful with two sugar high teenaged girls. Innocent as can be. Not.

"Hey Hidan?"

"What the fuck do you want?"

"You know you really shouldn't talk like that. It's inappropriate."

"I don't fucking give a fuck!"

"Whatever, anyway. Would you like a lemon with you're dinner?" Jess asked trying not to laugh. Miranda was trying as equally hard.

"Yeah why the fuck not."

Miranda stood up and plopped a Hidan lemon in his food. The two burst into a giggle fit. Hidan looked at the paper then at them

"What the fuck is this?"

"A lemon. You said you wanted a lemon with your dinner." Miranda thought she was going to die.

"It's a lemon. It's a Hidan lemon." Hidan turned red.

"It's against my fucking religion you fucking bitches." They blinked.

"And? It's not our business whether or not you listen to your religion."

"I'm fucking immortal what do you fucking think?"

Miranda smirked. "That your not carrying your scythe."

"Fuck, you're right! What the fuck did you do with it?"

"I think I saw it in Itachi's room." Jess said, holding her laughter.

Hidan ran down the halls. They noticed Itachi and Kisame still weren't at dinner. Miranda began counting down. "3. 2. 1."

"WHAT THE FUCK?!!!"

"What happened?" Jess asked.

"You fucking sent me into the fucking room while they were fucking!!!!!!!"

"Did we now?" Miranda asked. "Oh. Poor Hidan-chan." She said.

"The only one that is a girl other than you three." he pointed to them then to Konan. "Is Diedara-chan over there!"

"What the hell does that mean?"

"That he's gay Diedara-san." Miranda said. Diedara laughed.

"I'm fucking straight!

"Oh you know you enjoyed walking in on Itachi and Kisame. Don't deny it."

"What the fuck?"

"Plus saying that your straight is like saying Orochimaru never will rape Sasuke." Miranda said. "And come on we all know Orochimaru. He's like our uncle. He was…"

"The most perverted man alive and my partner." Zetsu said. They all looked at him.

"In what terms Zetsu?" Jess asked. Zetsu's eyes widened.

"Not like that!"

"Sure. We believe you." Jess said.

"Whatever you say Zetsu-san."

"Seriously! It wasn't like that! God, you are the two most perverted little girls on Earth!" Zetsu said.

Miranda got up. "No! Orochimaru is the most perverted little girl on Earth! God get it right!"

"That was just evil."

"I had to say the truth behind Orochimaru eventually." She shrugged.

"Good point."

"Must you two disgrace the Akatsuki every night?" Pein asked. The girls blinked and nodded.

"Every night."

"Haven't you realized that by now?" Pein covered his face.

"Sometimes…" Tobi hopped into the room.

"M-CHAN!!!! JESS-CHAN!!! TOBI GOT THE BUCKET THAT YOU WANTED!!!" They hushed him.

"Be quiet!!! They'll hear you!"

"In the room. You know which one." Miranda said.

"Why are you helping us?" Jess asked.

"Because Tobi's a good boy!" They all watched him skip off with the bucket.

"What was that about?" Pein asked.

"Nothing." An innocent smile light on their faces.

"Such lies." They all stared. "What? They are lying."

"Don't ever do that again." they all said. They began eating and Hidan began reading his lemon.

"Um… he's reading the lemon! You horny bastard!" Miranda covered her mouth.

"Let him enjoy it. He'll probably fuck himself tonight."

"I'm not going to fucking fuck myself!"

"Why? Is that against your religion too?" Jess asked. Hidan pulled out his scythe.

"I'll fucking kill you!" he yelled.

"I'm fucking immortal too you mother fucker! So is she! You trying to get on my fucking nerves? Bitch!"

"Miranda! Don't use that language!"

"Who gives a shit?"

Gray eyes turned red and Miranda squeaked shrinking back in her seat. "Oh the pain." Jess said.

"Jess…" Red eyes shifted to her gaze.

"What? My dad never said anything about me cursing! So what now?!"

Pein looked away angry and continued eating. Miranda tapped on Jess's shoulder. "Did you put the magnet… under the table?"

"Yeah."

"Just wait until he looks at his food and that will be funny. We just have to run."

"Ok." Minutes passed. For what seemed like an eternity. Pein looked at the food. His face slammed down onto the table into the food. "Run?"

"Run." The girls ran out of the room and as soon as they were out of danger they laughed hysterically. "We are going to die."

"Definitely. But it was worth it."

"Now… for Konan."

The hours passed. Now everyone was fast asleep in their beds. The two girls crawled into the vent and over Konan's bed. They took the bucket of oil and prepared to pour it on her. With one gentle tilt of the bucket the oil glided out of the bucket and onto Konan's sleeping form. She jumped up in surprise.

"What the hell? Oil? JESS!!! MIRANDA!!!" she screamed. The girls crawled back to their room. They hid the bucket in the vent and slide into their beds. Their door slammed open. An oil drenched Konan and an angry Pein and a disappointed Madara stood at their doorway.

"What happened?" They asked. Their voices where tried. They were only a wee bit tired.

"Who dumped oil on Konan?" Madara asked.

"I don't know." Jess said.

"Oh I know it was you?"

Miranda yawned. "Look sweetie. We put the bucket Madara gave us in the vent. We were going to use it for another prank not that and on another day. It wasn't us. So bye." she said and fell back into bed. Pein tapped her shoulder. "What?"

"Sorry but I don't believe you."

"She deserves it." Miranda mumbled.

Madara sighed. "Konan could you go get cleaned up for a second?" he asked. She nodded and left.

Jess and Miranda looked at each other. They where… going to get a lecture? AHH!!!


	3. Chapter 3

Story Starts:

M and Jess sneaked into the office as Pein was mumbling to himself as he finished some paperwork. They put the stereo on the ground and pressed play. "Pain…"

"Without love. Pein can't get enough! Pein I like it rough! Cause I'd rather feel Pein than nothing at all!!!" the two girls sang to the music. Pein lifted his head. A blush of embarrassment on his cheek. "You're sick of feeling numb you not the only one. I'll take you by the hand and I'll show you a world that you can understand. This life is filled with hurt when happiness doesn't work trust me and take my hand when the lights go up you'll understand! Pein without love! Pein can't get enough! Pein I like it rough cause I'd rather feel Pein than nothing at all!"

"JESSICA UCHIHA!!! MIRANDA NAGATO!!! WHAT HAVE I SAID ABOUT SINGING THAT SONG?!!!"

Miranda blinked. "That only Konan is allowed to sing it?" she asked. He glared at them.

"Don't look at us like that!" Jess said.

"Anger and agony are better than misery trust me I got a plan when the lights go out you'll understand."

"PEIN!!! Without love! PEIN!!! Can't get enough! PEIN!!! I like it rough cause I'd rather feel PEIN than nothing at all!!!" (p.s. you will never be able to listen to that song again… we disgraced it. Aw well. ^_^)

The girls ran out of the room. They ran into their room and closed the door.

"What now?" Asked Jess as she placed the stereo on the floor. She look over at M who was staring at her phone charger with wide eyes. "What the fuck are you doing?" Miranda held out the phone charger and the wire to a pair of headphones.

"It makes a pretty light!" She said as she pressed the metal and of the wire to the phone charger. The little red light lit up and M laughed.

"Why the hell are you doing that?" Jess asked. Miranda looked at her with innocent eyes.

"It's shiny and pretty…" she said.

That night the Akatsuki held a meeting. No it did not concern the two sugar high friends. No it was about the Byuus. But that did not matter to the girls as they sneaked into the leaders office and found the Akatsuki power box. They shut down all the power except for the office's power. They pressed the button. The loud speaker turned on. Miranda gave off a dark evil chuckle in an evil deep voice.

"Hello Akatsuki, I want to play a game."

Down in the meeting room the members where pressed against the wall fearful looks in their eyes and they were panting. It was fear not sex. Tobi was crying.

"WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!!! YOU MADE TOBI PISS HIS PANTS!!!" Tobi said. Hidan looked at him.

"Aw fuck not the fuck again." he hissed. "Tobi we told you to wear diapers."

"WHO ARE YOU?!!!" Zetsu screamed.

"I told you… I want to play a game…"

"I like games! What game are we playing?" Tobi asked.

"For the past… uh… 13 years…"

"I like lots of games!"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP TOBI AND PAY GOD DAMN ATTENTION BITCH!!!" another voice said. There was silence from the members and the girls.

"For the past 13 years we have established that you have all a deadly case of… sex." The other voice said.

"Wait a minute… sex isn't a sickness…" Pein said.

"UNDER MY BOOK IT IS!!!" The voice yelled. "NOW SHUT THE FUCK UP… or I'll smack you." There was silence from the members. "Now, for the past 13 years you have all had a deadly case of sex… especially Konan."

"WHAT THE FUCK?!!! NO I HAVEN'T!!!"

"Then tell me, how many guys have you slept with in the past 13 years?" The voice asked.

"One, two, three… 50... Aw fuck I lost count!" The members stared at her.

"To be correct you have slept with… 13900 different men in the past 13 years. You whore… I'd rather be a bitch than be you. You disgrace us all… Pein… you sicken my virgin eyes going out with this woman… especially proposing to her. You sick sick man…"

"HOW DO YOU KNOW?!!!" Pein melted down.

"We know everything!" The second voice said with an evil laugh.

"We see everything… don't test our power… for you will die a very slow… and Peinful death. And yes Pein as in your leader… your leader will be in you when you die." the voice laughed darkly.

Pein was anime crying. "But I don't want to…"

"SUCK IT UP BITCH!!!" the second voice said. "Besides, you should be used to being in Konan."

"Not a pretty sight either." Pein and Konan turned red. "Itachi, Kisame… You are the next couple on our list. You have only fucked each other but you have fucked 100 time in the past 13 years. And Itachi… you have been in here for only 5 years… how the fuck did you fuck him so many fucking times in such a fucking short amount of fucking time?!!!"

"You're turning into Hidan!!!!!!!!"

"Oh fuck." Hidan said. "What did I fucking do?"

"SAY FUCK TOO MUCH!!! Ahem… you have fucked… I mean raped… girls… thankfully your age… 97 times… and they were different girls… you horny bastard. I THOUGHT IT WAS AGAINST YOUR REILIGION!!!"

"IT IS FUCKING AGAINST MY FUCKING RELIGION YOU FUCKING BITCH!!!!!"

"I guess saying fuck isn't."

"NO IT'S FUCKING NOT!!!"

"Hidan… sit down." He sat in one of the chairs. "One of the woman you raped is pregnant." Hidan's eyes widened.

"Who the fuck is it?"

"Konan."

"WHAT THE FUCK?!!!" Hidan, Konan, and Pein yelled.

"Yes, Hidan got Konan pregnant." The other voice said.

"How?"

"Well… In the middle of the night, Hidan went into Konan's room… And he took of his clothes… and Konan being the slut she is didn't say no…"

"I KNOW WHERE BABIES COME FROM!!" Tobi said. The Akatsuki looked at him as he waved his arms in the air. "A MAN AND A WOMAN ARE TOGETHER THE MAN PUTS HIS…"

"DON'T!!!" everyone yelled.

"You fucking retard." Deidara said.

"DON'T INSULT TOBI GOD DAMN IT!!!" the voices yelled. They jumped to the wall again.

"Next is… Oh…. Orochimaru… since he in no longer with us… thanks to our weasel we shall move on. Sasori. SASORI-DONNA?!!!" the voice yelled and fell.

The second voice cleared it's throat. "Everything is ok. Sasori… you have fucked… 14 women… good… that's not bad… only problem is… your child is outside the door. Your son."

"Gaara?!"

"NO NOT GAARA!!!" the voice yelled. "Gaara is safely in Suna… try again." Silence. "It's Sasuke."

"NO!!!" Itachi and Sasori yelled.

"Yes… Sasuke." The other voice said.

"Ok I'm back." the first voice said. "Sasori I am disappointed." There were two sighs.

"Next it the bird maker and the explosives specialist."

"NANI?!!!" Deidara yelled.

"10 girls. Not bad not bad at all…" the first voice said.

"Next is Zetsu… 8 girls… how the hell?"

Tobi raised his hand, "THE MAN PUT HIS PENIS…!"

"NO MAKING FUN OF PEIN!!!"

Tobi anime cried. "Tobi wasn't."

"YOU SAID PENIS!!! PEIN IS NOT A PENIS! HE'S A PUSSY!!!" Pein passed out.

"Tobi thought we couldn't make fun of Pein." he said.

"Next… Kakuzu… you shame the Akatsuki." the second voice said. "You've only fucked 2 girls!!!" the voice yelled scolding the healer. Kakuzu shrugged. "Bastard."

"Now… this is where the real game begins… if you manage to fuck 20 people that you have never met in the next two days… I will not kill you."

"WHAT KIND OF PRIZE IS THAT?!!!"

"That won't be too hard." Konan said.

"Of course it won't be hard for you." The other voice said.

"PEIN!!!" the first voice barked. The leader jumped. "You must use your real body… IS THAT CLEAR?!!!"

"Could you clearify that for me?" Pein asked.

"Sweetie… how many alcoholic beverages have you consumed today?" Pein started counting.

"14 bottles of sake…" he said.

"That explains so much…." The girls covered their eyes. "You are a disgrace!!! You must use the body Nagato… if you don't…. YOU WILL DIE IN 7 DAYS!!!" The leader screamed and hid in the corner crying. Yes the all powerful leader was crying. KODAK MOMENT!!!

"You have two days! Goodbye Akatsuki." The other voice said. The power returned a moment later. The two girls laughed hysterically.

"Ok… next… what's next?" M asked. She pulled out a list. "Ok so we sang Pein. We played a game. Next is OH!!!! WE GET TO GRAFFITI!!!"

"What do we get to graffiti?" Jess asked. M looked at her.

"What do you think?" Jess shrugged. "Itachi and Kisame's room no duh! Hurry up! I call dibs on saying itakisa forever!!! AND THAT ITACHI IS GAY!!!"

"Oh! I have an idea!!!!!!"

"What?"

"You'll see." Jess said and ran out of the room to get spray paint.

"What?" M took a can of spray paint. An evil chuckle erupted from Jess's lips. M took a step back. They ran into Itachi and Kisame's room and started spray painting the walls. M looked at what Jess had done that was so evil. The wall said, 'Itachi likes Kisame because he tastes good.' Next to it was a picture of Itachi giving Kisame a blowjob. M's jaw dropped. She laughed at it and pointed at it.

"Oh god." she wiped away tears. "Phew. Don't ever do that again. Now let's get out before we die."

They ran out and started dancing the halls. They were yelling," Chuga chuga chuga chuga choo choo!!!!" Tobi soon joined in the train ride. The weirdest thing you will ever see.


	4. Chapter 4

Story Starts:

"I'll kill you!"

"Not if I kill you first!"

"I'll kill you in your sleep!"

"I'll have Orochimaru rape you in your sleep! Oh wait, he doesn't like girls. Then Itachi will rape you!!!!"

"Before or after he falls asleep after fucking Kisame all night?"

"Before, it'll get him in the mood."

"I'll have Kisame kill him while they are getting in the mood."

"He would never kill his lover."

"DADDY WILL KILL HIM WHAT NOW?!!!"

"I DON'T KNOW!!!" M shook her head disappointed.

"You sicken me…"

"Your face sickens everyone!" M started tearing.

"DADDY!!!" Pein poofed into the room,.

"WHAT?!!!"

"Cry baby." Jess said as she shook her head.

"Daddy!!!! Jess was mean to me!!! She said my face sickens everyone!!!!!" Pein remained silent and covered his eyes.

"One day."

"One day what?"

"I'll find a way to shut you both up! I was busy!"

"With Konan?"

"Where you busy with step mama?"

"Yes I… NOT IN YOUR WAY!!!"

"Then in what way?"

"What style?"

"THAT IS NOT THE WAY YOUNG LADIES SHOULD TALK!!! GOD!!!"

"Well, we're teenagers, not young ladies, so we can talk that way. So… what style?"

"Knowing Daddy and myself… doggy style."

"MENTAL IMAGE!!!!!! EWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!"

"WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU SAY?!!!"

"Nothing! God! It's not like I said Gaara's a male prostitute!"

"NANI!!!!" M put on a confused face at Jess.

"What?"

"Gaara is not a male prostitute!!!!!!!!!"

"Right and Sasuke didn't kiss Naruto."

"Shut up you whore!!!!!"

"WHAT DID YOU CALL MY DAUGHTER!!!?"

"A whore."

"I'll fucking kill you if you say that again about my daughter!"

"She is a whore. Are you sure Konan isn't her real mother?"

"WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU SAY?!!" M and Pein screamed.

"Are. You. Sure. Konan. Isn't. Her. Real. Mother? Was that slow enough for you?" M started tearing again.

"Daddy!" she whined and tugged on his cloak like a little girl.

"DADDY-KINS!!!!!!!!" Jess yelled. Tobi ran into the room.

"What did Tobi do?" He asked.

"You nothing! But you need to make sure your daughter watches her mouth!" Pein snapped.

"Well, what'd she say? I'm sure it can't be that bad, she's only 13."

"She called my daughter a whore and she asked if Konan was her real mother."

"See, it could have been worse."

"I don't care! Insult the girl all you want but you go to far to insult her mother! Make sure she watches what she says or I'll kill her!"

"Well, your daughter isn't an angel either!!!!!!"

"I know. She's a goddess."

"And I'm the queen of England."

"Really?" Jess asked.

"No! Shut up!" M laughed at them.

"Dense… you are so dense!"

"Better than being a whore."

"I'm not a whore! You're the slut!"

"Really, then why don't we ask Sasuke what you guys did last night."

"Fuck you! We did nothing! Why would I sleep with your great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great nephew!"

"You are Konan's daughter."

"Step daughter bitch! Why not ask Itachi what you did with _him_ last night."

"I went no where's near Itachi!!! He was busy with Kisame!!!" The Akatsuki rushed into the room because of the commotion.

"Really? Then why didn't you sleep in your bed last night?!!!"

"How would know if I was in my bed last night? You weren't home!!! You were busy fucking Sasuke all night!!!!!"

"What the fuck did you do with my otouto!!!!!!!" Itachi screamed.

"I didn't do a thing! You were the two fucking last night with Kisame!"

"No matter how hot that would be I did no such thing!!!!!!!"

"See you pretty much admitted it!"

"I just said it would be hot. Everyone has to agree that a 3 some with them would be hot!" The guys shook their heads and Konan nodded.

"Konan you don't count!" M screamed.

"Don't talk to your mother like that!" Jess shouted.

"SHE'S NOT MY MOM!!!"

"And Orochimaru is straight."

"Shut up! Orochimaru and you have done it! Don't deny it!" There were gasps.

"I'm a virgin, thank you very much!!!!!!!"

"So am I!" Tobi and Pein sighed.

"Sasuke would say something different."

"So would Gaara."

"I have _never _fucked Gaara."

"Such lies."

"I'm telling the truth!!!!!" Jess whined.

"M lay off of her!" Tobi yelled.

"Make me!" She yelled back.

"I can!"

"Touch her and I'll kill you." Pein hissed.

"Hey!" Konan got in the middle. "Let's not fight. Relax."

"Why, would you rather fuck them all?" Jess asked.

"Shut up you little bitch!" she yelled at Jess.

"I'd rather be a bitch than a slut!" Jess yelled back.

"Too late." M said.

"I've never even had sex!!! You, on the other hand, take after your mother over there." Jess said pointing to Konan.

"I'll fucking kill you!" M snapped.

"Did you just say you'll fuck and kill me? I'd prefer that you didn't fuck me."

"Hey Jess, M don't fight you two are best friends." Deidara said.

"Fuck off Deidara- chan!!!!" Deidara sighed.

"I'm not a girl."

"I could mistake you for one." Sasori said.

"That's not a smart thing to say to the guy with a lighter in his pocket." Sasori backed away and hid behind Tobi for protection.

"You want _him _protect you?" Pein asked. "Are you kidding me?" "No." Sasori said. Pein busted out laughing.

"What's so funny?"

"That _child_ can't protect himself and wets his pants!"

"Tobi does not!!!! Tobi wears diapers now!!!! Tobi's a good boy!"

"No you're not." M said.

"What did you just say about my dad?"

"You heard the fucking girl and what the fuck she said." Hidan said.

"Shut up Hidan. Let them argue." "Now why the fuck would I do that?"

"Because I said so."

"Fuck you then!"

"No thank you."

"Gah shut up!"

The Akatsuki started arguing among each other.

"See what you did!?" Jess yelled.

"This is your fault!"

"MY FAULT!! If you didn't go crying to your daddy, we wouldn't be in this situation!!"

"Are you kidding me! If you hadn't gone and insulted my genes we wouldn't be in this mess!" _I just used a big girl word!_

"_The only thing I said about your jeans was that Sasuke was in them!!!" _

"_NOT THOSE JEANS BITCH!!! MY MOTHER AND FATHER!!! WHORE!!!"_

"_You just admitted that your mother was a whore!!! Meaning that she's Konan! I was right!!!!" M grabbed her shirt._

"_Konan is not my mother! My mother…" she silenced her self and let her go._

"_What, your mother what?" Jess asked. M just walked back to Pein. Jess thought for a moment before realizing why she didn't want to talk about it._

"_I'm sorry." She said, looking down at her hands. M forgave her and they left the Akatsuki to fight a meaningless fight._


	5. Chapter 5

Story Starts:

"How many minutes?" M asked finishing tightening the ropes.

"Two minutes!" Jess answered looking out the door and down both ends of the hall.

"Ok." M said. She finished. "Good boy." She patted Sasuke's cheek.

His eyes were wide. He struggled but couldn't speak due to the duck tape on his mouth.

"They're coming!" Jess screamed.

"NANI!!"

"Not like that!!! I mean they're going to be in this room in like a minute!!!" The girls ran into the closet. The got onto their knees. Sasuke's eyes widened.

"All hail Sasuke." they began chanting bowing at Sasuke and their little shrine within the closet. Kisame and Itachi walked into the room, kissing and stripping. They were completely naked and ready to fuck each but then they heard the chanting. They walked to the closet and opened it.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" The two girls screamed. Sasuke's eyes widened. The girls ran and hid behind Sasuke. Sasuke gave out an angry muffle. M grabbed the edge of the tape and ripped it off of his mouth.

"Ouch!! Fuck! Anyway… What are you doing with Kisame!?"

"Today is Wednesday, it's Kisame's turn, sorry little brother."

"What the fuck?" Jess screamed.

"Ummm…" Itachi said.

M walked in front of Itachi and Kisame and slapped them. "WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT MY VIRGIN EYES!!! YOU BITCHES!!! AND YOU!!!" She slapped Sasuke, "Ew!" Orochimaru walked into the room.

"Where is my fuck bud- I mean Sasuke?!" Everyone gave him weird looks except Sasuke, he was blushing. M grabbed the closet. Jess laughed and pointed at him.

"WHAT THE FUCK?!!!" Itachi and Kisame screamed. "OROCHIMARU?!!!"

Zetsu ran in. "Where?!" one side asked.

"Over there bitch!" the other side yelled at that one said.

"Orochimaru!" Zetsu tackled him.

Zetsu and Orochimaru started making out. Sasuke anime twitched. "What the hell?! Not you too! Orochimaru-sama!"

"We'll just leave you boys to have a 5-some." Jess said and grabbed M's hand as she ran out of the room.

"USE PROTECTION!!! AND DON'T TAKE IT TOO FAR GOD DAMN IT!!!" M yelled.

The girls went into the kitchen to find Pein, Hidan, Sasori, and Kakuzu arguing. The girls went to the fridge, unnoticed and grabbed a jar of mayonnaise. They ran out of the kitchen and towards Konan's room. They crawled into the vent and went to the vent above Konan's bed. She was sitting there and reading. They opened the jar and opened the vent. Down came the mayonnaise on Konan's blue hair.

"What the fuck!??!" She screamed and sat up in her bed, surprisingly there wasn't a man in bed with her. The girls crawled out of the vent and ran into Konan's room pretending to be worried.

"What happened?"

"You! You dumped mayonnaise on me!!"

"We did not!! We swear it was Itachi!! He stole it from Kakuzu!!!! Honestly!"

"Damn that bastard!" She walked out of the room.

"Where are you going?" The girls asked.

"To yell at the mother fucker!"

"You have no idea…" they whispered.

She walked into Itachi's room with the girls close behind. The men were in the middle of a 5-some. Konan froze in her steps. M gave Konan a video camera.

"Seriously, it shouldn't be a surprise to you, you've seen more dicks than that at the same time before." She pressed the record button.

"Go on…" she said. The men were red.

"Don't let us stop you." Jess told them.

"Unless some of you want to add some more people into this fucking fest." M said.

"I hope your talking about her." Jess said pointing to Konan.

"Nope… I was talking about Kakashi…" Sasuke's eyes widened.

"What the fuck?!" M nodded.

"You'd like that wouldn't you Sasuke?"

"What would he like?" M asked.

"Fucking Kakashi." M nodded.

"That or Naruto…"

"He'd like to fuck both… but he'd probably enjoy doing Naruto more."

"I'M FUCKING STRAIGHT BITCHES!!!" he yelled.

"What's going on here is telling us other things sweetie…" M said.

"I'm straight!!!!"

"Then why is Orochimaru's dick up your ass?" Jess asked. M twitched then laughed.

"Just go back to fucking." M said waving her hand. "Go on taping this." She told Konan.

The men ignored the girls and continued fucking each other .

"I know a porn site we can put this on." Jess whispered.

"I know a couple." Konan and M said.

"Why am I not surprised?"

"Good question." M asked.


	6. Chapter 6

Story Starts:

Down in the near the sound village everything was silent until a scream was heard. Deep in the snake hole Karin, Suigestu, Juugo, Sasuke and Orochimaru were tied up in the room. "Ok take a break from raping Sasuke Orochimaru you are going to the Akatsuki." Bazooka's were out.

"Ah! Sasuke-kun!" the bazookas were turned to Karin.

"Back away from the Uchiha or you die!" Jess screamed.

"Ok…" M grabbed Sasuke and Juugo. "I'll take mine you take yours."

"You'll take your what?" A wicked smile appeared.

"My members."

"You have members!?"

M smiled and nodded. "TO THE AKATSUKI MY MEMBERS!!!"

"Um… I think I'll just stay away from your members."

"Ok!" they dragged the sound shinobi to the Akatsuki. They tossed Karin and Suigestu into the meeting room. Jess's members walked into the room. The lights went out and everyone went silent.

"HELLO AKATSUKI, I WANT TO PLAY A GAME… AGAIN!!!!!!!" A dark laugh was heard the door locked and everyone pressed against the wall panting.

"Huh… what game are we playing?" Suigestu ask.

"A game where we don't get killed!" Tobi said.

"BE QUIET TOBI!!!!" The voice screamed.

"YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE TOBI PISS HIS PANTS AGAIN!! SAY YOUR SORRY!!"

"NEVER BITCH!!!" another voice yelled. "Ahem… anyway. " they turned off the loud speaker. They were completely unprepared for this. "What game are we playing?"

"Scrabble?" Jess suggested.

"No! We need to play a game that strikes fear into the hearts of the Akatsuki!"

"We should make them go streaking through the Akatsuki!!!!!" M's eyes widened anime style bitches than she laughed.

"Well today's game is streaking… you shall streak through the Akatsuki…"

"What the fuck! No!" Karin yelled.

"SHUT UP BITCH!!! After all you'll get to see Sasuke naked." Sasuke looked at Karin wide eyed and Karin squealed.

"No! Please show me mercy!" Sasuke begged. "Anything but that!"

"Oh, I'll show you something… but it won't be mercy." The second voice said.

"Tobi's scared!!!!!"

"Get undressed… OR DIE!!!" The members stood there for a moment. "NOW BITCHES!!!!!!!!!!!!!" They quickly began undressing. The door unlocked. "Go… or face doom."

"I'd rather face doom…" Sasuke whispered.

"What was that Saucegay-chan?" the second voice asked. He smiled.

"Nothing!" The boy screamed in fear.

"I thought so." The first voice said. The members ran out of the room.

"WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE WE'RE STREAKING!!!" Tobi screamed. He still had his mask on. Everyone stared at them shocked and disgusted. Every single Akatsuki member and the sound peeps returned to the meeting room.

"Hello Akatsuki… We are here to announce the winner of our previous game."

"Konan… you won. But we all knew that would happen. But… You fucked 60 more guys than you were supposed to. And you did that before anyone else even fucked 10 people."

"But you also have someone that tied with you… Hidan… you and Konan share first place… good job you are not going to die…" there was silence for a moment. "You sinner."

"Next… our losers. Kakuzu and Tobi… You will die in seven days."

"TOBI DOESN'T WANT TO DIE!!!!"

"You should've thought of that before you fucked only 5 people… sad Tobi… very sad…"

"Kakuzu what's your excuse?"

"I didn't feel like it." he said slowly so they heard him.

"Are you gay?"

He was silent. "Maybe…"

Everyone was silent. "Kakuzu… sweetie… are you gay?" they asked again. "HE'S GAY!!!" they screamed. Everyone looked at him. Yet another secret revealed by the sugar high teens and five naked people.


	7. Chapter 7

Story Starts:

Two years. Jess and M are now 16. The wars are still continuing. But before we tell you what has happened let us join M and Jess. Cries of a saddened girl are heard, a beloved Jinchuuriki has been killed and their beloved puppet boy has been killed. M is patting Jess's back.

"It's ok. He's back."

"IT DOESN'T MATTER! GAARA DIED!!!"

"But he's alive now!"

"But he still _died!!! What do you not get about that!?"_

_M stayed silent. "I don't know. How about… to make you feel better we cut Itachi's ponytail and sell it to… Sasuke's penis?"'_

"_We'll sell Itachi's hair to Sasuke's penis? What the fuck?… I got a better idea!!!" A suddenly perky Jess shouted._

"_What?" M asked._

"_We can cut off Sasuke's penis!!!!!" _

"_His penis is sold separately." M said. "After all… if Uncle Dei-dei get's back I don't want to be here as he tries to blow up Kisame and Itachi."_

"_So we'll sell his penis on the internet?" Jess asked._

"_Yup. But getting his penis is the hard part. The hardest part." M emphasized hard and smiled. "Ok. Um… should we let Daddy know we are leaving? He'll be mad…"_

"_No, let him be mad. He'll probably be too busy arguing with my Daddy to notice we're gone." _

"_So true." They began leaving the Akatsuki with Hidan trying to cut off Kakuzu's head. Tobi and Pein fighting and Konan was trying to kill the gay couple. They smiled and slide out of the base and out of the Rain village._

_They walked to the sound only to be found by Orochimaru. Jess screamed and M ran and hugged him._

"_Uncle Oreo!!!!!!" She screamed. _

"_Oh joy, Michael Jackson's here." Jess said. M stuck her tongue out at her._

"_Uncle can we cut off Saucegay-chan's penis?" she asked in childish voice._

"_Uh…"_

"_Please?"_

"_Please?! You can buy it from us after we cut it off!" Jess added. _

_Orochimaru's eyes widened he nodded and let the girls run off._

"_That was too easy."_

"_We aren't going to really sell it to him? I was thinking of selling it to Konan."_

"_Of course not! I got a better idea… sell it on e-bay!!"_

"_Nah. Just give it to Itachi. He'll be able to get fucked by his little brother any time he wants."_

_Jess's eyes widened. "Nani?!"_

"_That's right." M said. "I went there."_

"_You're an evil and perverted little girl." _

"_How many times must I say it! That's Orochimaru! God…" Jess laughed._

"_So true, so, so true." _

_They arrived at Sasuke's room. M opened the door and let Jess enter. The Uchiha was not present. So. They would have to wait. Once he entered before he could scream the girls pinned him to the wall._

"_Don't make a sound or they will find you rapped and drowned in a lake in a Japan!! Oh wait… we're in Japan… never mind!"_

"_Dead… in Konaha. Have Naruto mourn for his lover."_

"_Hm… we could have Naruto rape him then kill him… then he can mourn for him."_

"_No. Because then Sakura will kill him. It's her job to fuck him. God."_

"_Fine! Then Sakura will rape him! Happy now?!"_

_M smiled. "Very. So is Konaha's slut." Jess laughed. _

"_So… how are we going to cut it off."_

"_What the fuck?! Cut what off?!" Sasuke screamed._

_M pulled out ropes and tied him up. "Your penis… now be quiet!" M snapped. _

"_MY WHAT?!!!"_

"_Your member of the members of the members. God Sasuke where have you been?"_

"_You're cutting off my what?!"_

"_Your member!!! Now shut the fuck up!" They tied up his mouth and laid him on the bed. _

"_Now this is going to hurt. But remember it hurts me more than it hurts you…. Not really." M said. Jess tied his ankles to the bed posts. Sasuke let out muffled cries. "Oh shut up." They cut off his pants. His boxers where pink with the rainbows and red hearts. They looked at him. His cheeks where red._

"_Remember sweetie, we support gay marriage."_

"_It's really cute Sasuke-chan." Sasuke tried to scream at them. The boxers were off quickly. Maybe we should censor the rest… but… what's the point in that? Yes Sasuke's penis was cut off. Slowly and painfully. Yes Pein was in him as his penis was cut off. They stopped the bleeding and left him there to suffer with a missing penis. They returned to the Akatsuki with a bag… it was full of triumph. Sasuke's penis. The girls returned to their room and opened the bag._

"_It's beautiful." Jess said as she wiped away fake tears. _

"_Damn… I think I'm going to keep it."_

"_Why? So you can fuck it?" _

_M smiled mischievously. "Yes."_

"_Now that's just sick!!"_

"_I blame Konan. She rubbed off on me." She snickered._

"_She is your step-mom." _

"_So I blame her."_


	8. Chapter 8

Story Starts:

M examined the member in the bag. "Who should we sell it too?" she asked looking at the requests on eBay.

"We should just sell it to Uncle Oreo… That way you can borrow it when you want to fuck it."

M looked at Jess, "Are you trying to give me ideas? Ideas that consist of fucking it in front of its owner?"

"Yes! Yes I am!" Jess said happily.

M sweat dropped. "You are definitely Madara's daughter. But yes that's good!" She grinned.

"Ok… so who are you going to sell it too?"

M looked back at the computer screen. "Well… Uncle Oreo did put up the highest bid but… I am going to sell it… to YOUR MOM!!!" M fell on the floor cracking up for no apparent reason.

"Poor little German girl…" Jess said. "Why would you do that you bastard?!" She turned her head away and fake cried.

M was laughing so must that she was to the point of tears. She sat up and looked at Jess, "Because I felt like it!!! Oh what now?!"

"Your mom!! That's what now!"

"Your dad!!"

"Your uncle!"

"Your cat!"

"I don't… have a cat…?"

"And as far as you know neither does your mom!!!"

"Well as far as you know your dad doesn't have one either!!!!"

"As far as you know your dog doesn't have a cat!!!"

"As far as you know you don't have a cat!! And I don't mean the animal…"

M's eyes twitched anime style yo. "Um… sweetie…? I'm wearing a skirt and I'm not Scottish…"

"What's wrong with Scottish people?? What if I'm Scottish?? What if _your mom's Scottish??!!" _

M put her hand over her chest. "I have nothing against Scottish people. I have something against their stupid skirts though… they will die… I will have MY REVENGE!!!" M put her fist in the air.

Jess backed away… but soon found herself against a wall. "Damn I can't escape!!! Nooooooooooo!!!!"

"Those skirts… they killed him… after I have my revenge I will use it… to kill the other him." She started diabolically laughing. She cleared her throat after that and smiled innocently.

"Nani?"

M eyed her. "YOUR MOM!!!"

"YOUR UNCLE!!"

"What did Orochimaru do this time?! I swear that I didn't blow up his lab!"

"He did your mom!!!"

M blinked. "He did? Where was I when this happened?!" she started crying. "For all we now know I could have a half-siblings out there!" M put her pointer finger to her chin. "Yes, yes possibly in Konaha… no, no… perhaps Suna… oh who knows!"

"No!! They would be in the North Pole with Santa!!!!! God!! Why would a little elf girl be out here?"

"Why would a snake?! Oh what now?!"

"Because there are plenty of little boys…"

M anime twitched. "That reminds me… we left Sasuke to suffer two weeks without his member…" she thought, "I wonder how he is."

Back in the Sound Village. Sasuke laid his bed. Without his member. He was still pressing a cloth against his missing area. Kabuto looked at him as his legs twitched.

"Sasuke?"

"What happens if you have to go to the bathroom?"

Kabuto's eyes widened anime style, "No! Don't even think about!"

Sasuke whimpered. "But I really want to go…"

"Just leave me out of it…" He said as he left the room.

"Damn it stings…" Sasuke murmured.

Back at the Akatsuki… "I'm sure he's just fine."

M looked at Jess. "You know how I worry about the boy for all you know he has to go to the bathroom and can't! Or he has to fuck Orochimaru and can't!"

"If Uncle Oreo wanted to fuck him we'd know by now. He would come in here asking for his precious member of the members of the members."

"That or there would be cum in the bag right now…"

"Is there?"

M peered into the bag. "Nope. Not yet."

"That's a relief."

M grinned. "For now."

"What are you going to do with it?"

M shrugged. "Wanna sew it on and cut it off again?" She asked.

"We could sew it back on… leave it on for a week or two so Orochimaru can fuck him… and then cut it off!"

M's eyes widened anime style bitches! And then twitched anime style because anime style is just the shit. (Jess: Just like doggy style!! ^_^ m: *faints and twitches anime style*.)

"Exactly!" Jess shouted.

"Nah." she moaned.

"What?"

She looked at Jess. "You don't recognize me imitating your great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great NEPHEW!!! I'm ashamed!"

"Which one?"

"Weasel!"

"Oh! No."

M sweat dropped. "You depress me."

"Your mom depresses me."

M looked at Jess. Her eyes emotionless. "You cat depresses your mom." her eyes turned with delight. "What now?!"

"I don't know!"

M sniffed the air. Jess fallowed. "Is that?" Jess began.

"Burning gun powder…" M finished.

"DUCK!!!" They both screamed.

They dove to a corner and shook like helpless little cats… anime style. They watched as Deidara started laughing hysterically chasing Itachi around with him bombs. Old bombs from his days before his lovable clay.

"Die!!!" Deidara screamed.

He threw the bomb. Jess and M turned their eyes to Itachi who ducked. He did a hand sign and blow a fire ball his way. M and Jess looked at Deidara who jumped into the air. He threw two shuriken at Itachi who blocked him with a quick movement of his wrist and a kunai.

"We are going to hell for this." Jess stated as she and M continued watching the random battle.

"For the wars?" M asked, "You know it."

P.S the girl that does jess in this story. Yes I had a co-writer for this is no long with us… no she's not dead. She's no longer friends with me. I have found a new co-writer and we will see how we are going to write this story. ^_^ ja ne!


	9. Chapter 9

Story Starts:

M walked down the halls of the Akatsuki. Jess popped her head out of the door. "Where are you going?" Jess asked. M continued walking. Jess fallowed. They stopped at Itachi's door. M knocked.

He slammed the door open. "What the hell do you want? This better not be another guy joke." He said.

"Do you want Ice Cream?" M asked.

"Depends." Itachi said. "What kind?"

"A Klondike bar." Itachi raised his eye brow. M pulled a Klondike bar out of her sleeve. "Want it?" She asked.

"Sure." The second Itachi's hand laid on it. There was a startling cry.

"NO!!!!" Sasuke crashed in front of them. Jess stared wide eyed. "GIVE IT BACK!!!"

"Sorry little brother it's mine now." Itachi took the Klondike and closed the door. Sasuke screamed and melted against the door.

"Ok I'm done with bothering the Uchiha brothers for today." M turned to Jess. "Hi!"

"Ummmm… hi?" Jess said.

"Who should we bother now?"

There was static in the air, a crack and then Pein's voice booming across the air. "KONAN!!! JESS!!! M!!! GET YOUR ASSES IN MY OFFICE…. NOW!!!!!!!" Jess and M screamed. They slowly walked to Pein's office and knocked quietly on the door. "GET THE FUCK IN!!!"

"Someone's been talking to Hidan-chan too much…" M said.

"I HEARD THAT M!!!" M jumped out of her shoes. The girls walked into the office, Konan was already in there.

"WOULD SOMEONE CARE TO EXPLAIN THIS?!!" Pein shouted and turned the computer screen around so they could see.

Konan blinked. "The screen saver…?"

"NOT THE SCREEN SAVER!!!!" Pein pressed the spacebar and it went to the normal screen. "THIS!"

The women's eyes grew wide. "Um… about that…"

On top of the screen were three words. "Akatsuki's Gone Wild." The video of the five-some right in the front. The girl's chuckled and smiled.

"Who would commit such a crime everyone knows those videos are for Friday movie nights only…" M said.

"It was Konan!!!" Jess shouted. "We're only 16 year old girls, why would we have video camera?" M pulled a small video out of her pocket and stuck in Konan's robe.

"Totally." M said. "And I totally didn't just put it in her robe… because that would be stupid…" She looked to the side.

"Konan." Pein asked.

"Their fault." Konan replied.

"FUCKTARTS!!! ONE OF YOU DID IT TELL ME WHO IT WAS!!!"

"Technically five people did it…"

Pein's eye twitched. "Just explain."

The girls looked at each other. Chuckled before all of them ran out screaming their heads off.

"YOU WILL DIE IN SEVEN DAYS!!!"

"BUT WE ARE NOT PLAYING A GAME!!!" Jess and M screamed back. They paused. "Ah shit." They said.

"IT WAS YOU!!! YOU WERE THE ONES PLAYING THE GAME!!!" Konan screamed. "YOU MADE ME FUCK AN OLD MAN!!!"

"Seriously… that was your first time fucking an old man?" M asked.

"Maybe… for me to know and you to never find out how amazing it was." M's and Jess's eyes twitched.

"Well damn…" they said.

"DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT I SAW A SIDE OF OROCHIMARU THAT I DID NOT WANT TO SEE?!!!" Pein screamed before crawling to the corner crying in fetal position.

"Awwww, we made him cry." Jess said. Then her and M began laughing hysterically.

"REMEMBER THIS!!!" Pein screamed making them yelp and hug. "I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE!!! WHERE YOU SLEEP… and who you sleep with…"

"But I'm a virgin…" Jess said.

"BULLSHIT!!!" Pein said. Jess looked at him insulted.

"At least I'm not the one with Sasuke's penis in a bag… M!"

"Nope… sold it already." M said proudly.

Pein covered his face. "Dear God…"

"Who'd you sell it too?"

Back in the sound village. Let's just say Kabuto was enjoying himself…

"Oh… o.O"

M smiled. "It was a great sell I must say! And the money was good too!"

"Where's the money?"

"Gave it to the Sparta so they can shop for pits of death."

"At least it went to a good cause."

"Damn… we could have bought a sex toy shop." Konan said.

"You already bought a porn site… how much more do you want?"

'I Want It all' from High School Musical started playing in the background. M's eyes twitched. "Is Tobi watching that movie again?" Tobi's voice could be heard singing along with the movie behind a wall.

"My guess would be yes." Jess said. "Wait, did you give all of your money to the Sparta?"

"No. A quarter. The rest went to Orochimaru for witch doctors."

"So it's all gone?"

"I still have a dollar from the money…"

"Fuck you! We could have bought our own pit of death and played another game!!"

"I could ask to barrow a pit." Pein and Konan watched twitching.

"What the hell is wrong with them?" They asked.

"YOUR MOM!!!" They screamed back. The girls began to walk away.

"Were do you think you're going?" Pein asked.

"To borrow a pit of death, duh!" The girls replied.

"Then we are going to try out to get the role of James Bond in the James Bond log…"

Pein twitched. "Come back for dinner…"

"BUT DADDY!! I DON'T WANT TO COME!!!" M screamed. "I'M A VIRGIN!!!"

"Really?"

"Yes… what do you think Sasuke-chan and I do during Wednesday? Have sex?"

"Well considering he no longer has a penis no… but before you chopped it off yes I thought you had sex."

"Nah. We went to volunteer for One Piece conventions."

"That explains so much."

"YUP!!!" M said with a smile.

"ONE PIECE!!!" Kisame screamed. "Are they back to get me?!" Everyone stared.

"Uh…." They said. "No…" He vanished back into the door way.

"They'll never know… no no…!" His voice said.

"Did he just go into Itachi's room?" Jess asked.

"Wanna video tape it tonight?"

"HELLS YEAH!!!"


	10. Chapter 10

Story Starts:

M stood in the middle of the night. Jess opened one sleepy eye. "What the hell are you doing?" M gave her an impassive look. She took the stereo and went into vent. Jess followed. "Where are you going?" M gave her another look Jess stopped. She continued down the vent and went into Itachi's room. She plugged in the stereo.

"Dig me now and fuck me later!" The song Faggot by Mindless Self Indulgence on blast. Itachi fell off his bed. M smiled innocently at him. He was naked Kisame's head popped up from the sheets. "And sing it to the tune of faggot, faggot, faggot oh!" The girls were dancing around the room singing at the top of their lungs.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TWO DOING IN HERE DURING SEXY TIME?!!!" Kisame screamed.

"Singing Faggot…" Jess said innocently. "It should be you guys' song."

_What… the fuck? _The men thought. Itachi stood his penis completely in view. M and Jess screamed. "DRESS!!! WE HAD A BAD EXPERIENCE WITH SASUKE'S PENIS!!!" Itachi ducked under the covers.

"What bad experience could you have had with a penis?! You two are teenaged girls!" Kisame screamed.

M and Jess looked away, "You don't need to know."

"I've been denied all the best ultra sex." the song continued drawing attention from the next room.

"TURN THE FUCKING MUSIC FUCKING OFF!!!" Hidan's voice yelled. Everyone stared at the door wide eyed.

"Sorry Hidan-chan!" The girls said and lowered the music.

"I'M NOT A GIRL!!!"

"Sure your not…"

"I HEARD THAT!!!" They turned white. (jess: racist bitch. M: you know you love it…)

"Can you get out?!" Itachi shouted. "God, can't we ever have one night of passionate fucking in peace?!"

M raised one finger, "I. Did not. Need. To know. That." She said slowly. "Sex between men should just be made for our Friday night viewing! So SHUT UP! AND SCREW EACH OTHER!!!" M said and pulled out a video camera.

"NOT AGAIN!!!" The men hid under the covers.

"Come out…" Jess hissed. "What's wrong? You don't want anyone seeing your tiny penis'?"

"SHUT UP!!! THEY ARE LONG AND BIG!!!"

"Of course you would say that sweet cheeks."

"He really does have some sweet cheeks." Kisame sighed.

M gave him a look. "And what do exactly do you do with those cheeks?"

"I think you've seen that on Akatsuki's Gone Wild."

"Ah yes… good times…" Jess said. "Wait does that mean you have 5 some's every night?!"

"No! That was an extra special night…" Itachi said passion dripping into his lustful words.

"Woah ladies!!"

"Shut up you two!" The men screamed.

Once light and the sun was in the sky… but covered by gray clouds overcastting the area taking away all sorts of light. The Akatsuki gathered in their meeting hall. The power turned off, the usual routine. "Hello, Akatsuki, we are here to play a game…. A-!!!"

"M!!! JESS!!! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TWO DOING?!!!" Pein shouted.

"SHUT UP DADDY AND SIT THE FUCK DOWN!!!" M screamed. He sat in a chair. Tobi looked at him with twitching eyes.

"Jessie-chan?"

"Yes Father… it is I." Jess replied.

The Akatsuki started shouting and yelling and all was disturbed when Hidan screamed "I want my mommy!" Every stared at him.

"HE DIDN'T SAY FUCK!!!"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!"

"Anyway… as we were saying… WE WANT TO PLAY A GAME… AGAIN!!!!!!"

"We are going to have a mandatory coffee house!!"!

"A mandatory what?!"

"You all have to get up in front of each other and sing pretty songs!"

"NOO!!!!"

"YESS!!!"

"AND THE SOUND PEEPS SHALL JOIN PLUS A GUEST APPEARANCE!!!"

"BY WHO!!!"

"You need not know these things." Confusion swept over the Akatsuki.

"What hap-happens if we d-don't sing… or if we epically fail?" Itachi spoke up.

"Sparta has ever so kindly lent us a pit of death." Jess said. The Akatsuki screamed before Pein screamed out.

"HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET IN TOUCH WITH SPARTA!!!" Pein screamed. "THEY DON'T TALK TO ME!!! JESUS CHRIST OF THE LOG!!!"

"After I kindly gave them a donation, they gave me their number."

"We have phones?" Hidan asked.

"Apparently." Kakuzu answered.

"Interesting."

"SHUT UP!!! WHO GAVE YOU PERMISSION TO OPEN YOUR MOUTHS!!!"

"Oh sweet Jesus!!!! Mommy!!!!" Hidan screamed again and jumped into Kakuzu's arms.

"Tune in next week, children," There was an evil laugh, thunder and the Akatsuki screamed at the lights coming back up.

"Wait a minute…" lights went out again. "Hidan… you don't believe… in Jesus….?"

"So…? Jewish people say Jesus all the time!!!!"

"THAT DOESN'T COUNT!!! THEY'RE PRACTICALLY CHRISTIANS TOO!!"

"I thought they were practically golly fluff." M asked.

"What?!"

M smiled and the lights came back and the Akatsuki screamed again. "Do we really scare them that much?"


	11. Chapter 11

Story Starts:

"Hi Itachi!"

"What the hell are you doing in here?"

"We wanted to give a nice back rub!"

"Get the hell out."

"But! But!" Jess and M said before starting to cry. "DADDY!!!" Pein and Tobi ran into the bathroom seeing Itachi butt naked. Pein and Tobi screamed their balls off. (Jess: What balls? M: You know the balls that the elf girl and Nazi girl stole from them. Jess: Oh those balls.)

"Why are you in here while he is taking a bath?" Pein asked.

"Why is that standing up?" Tobi asked and pointed to Itachi's erect penis.

Jess walked to her father and covered the hole in his mask. "Nothing dear."

"Who the hell were you masturbating to bitch!" Pein and M screamed pointing at the erection.

Jess scoffed. "Kisame."

Itachi blushed. "I HEARD THAT!!!" Kisame screamed from another room running in embracing Itachi covering him up. "What are you doing to my lover?!"

"WE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!!!" Jess wined.

M raised a sponge and said, "Yet." Kisame's hair fell off. (M: Where did his hair fall off of? Jess: You don't need to know… M: MWAHAHA!!!) "Just because this happened I declare that coffee house happens now!!!"

Jess's eyes widened. "But! The special guest isn't here yet!"

M glared. "Start without me… I'll be back."

"From where?!" Jess yelled.

"My bedroom."

"Oooo, your bedroom. Such an epic adventure."

"I always wanted to use my other body." Pein's eye twitched.

"Use it how?"

M laughed diabolically as she left the room. Jess twitched. She looked back at them. She cracked her knuckles. "Well you heard her. MOVE YOUR NON-EXISTANT ASSES!!!!" Jess walked to Pein's office. Then her voice was heard over the loud speaker. "COFFEE HOUSE STARTS NOW!!!!"

"I AM BACK!!!" M screamed coming into the office with a large pink bag.

"Do you have the special guest?" The bag squirmed.

M smacked the bag. "STOP MOVING WHORE!!! Yes it is in there."

"Wonderful." Jess smiled evilly.

Jess and M walked to a large room with a stage and chairs. Everyone was sitting down like good little boys and single girl. Jess and M joined them their bag beside them. Deidara went up to the stage. "First person is, Konan."

Konan rose from her chair and walked to the stage. Jess kicked the wall and music started playing. Magically.

"Pain without love. Pain I can't get enough. Pain I like it rough because I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all. You're sick of feeling numb you are not the only one I'll take you by the hand and I'll show you a world that you can understand."

Everyone looked at Pein. M and Jess shrieked seeing a visible bump in his pants. (Jess: The Akatsuki members are really horny… o.O M: 9 men 1 woman… ya think?!)

"DADDY!!!" M screamed before running to the corner in fetal position. "My virgin eyes!"

Itachi and Kisame and Sasuke and Orochimaru and Zetsu scoffed. "Please your eyes aren't virgin."

"Yeah, I would know." Sasuke said. M tackled him landing on top of him.

"You want to prove it?"

"GET A ROOM!!!!! MY EYES ARE STILL VIRGIN!!" Jess shouted.

M hummed. "Maybe later."

"Good idea." Sasuke said from under M. Jess' eyes twitched.

"You will NOT!" Pein shouted.

"You got that Sasuke!" Itachi yelled.

"You are one to talk! You screwed Kisame on video!" Sasuke yelled.

"You probably masturbate to it every night don't you Sasuke?" Jess asked.

"Shut up no I don't!!"

"No he just plain old does it with me." Orochimaru said. Everyone looked at him twitching.

"RAPE!!!!!!!!!!!"

Deidara pushed Konan off the stage. "Times up. Next is, Itachi and Kisame."

"FAGGOTS!!!" M and Jess screamed falling against the floor face first.

"No." Itachi said. "Faggot." Itachi and Kisame walked on stage and the song Faggot by Mindless Self Indulgence began playing…

"I've been denied all the best ultra sex. I've been denied all the best ultra sex. I, I tried to consume just like a super faggot I got some dude. How can ya'll give a mother fucker something so good he couldn't say no? You nailed me hard. I love em when they don't give a mother fucking shit. I could have been someone instead of falling flat upon my ass. Dig me now, and fuck me later. And sing it to the tune of faggot, faggot, faggot, oh!"

"STOP SINGING ABOUT YOURSELF ITACHI!!!" Orochimaru screamed.

"YEAH KISAME GET THE FUCK OFF THE STAGE!!!" Deidara yelled.

"PLAYBOY BUNNY!!!" Tobi screamed from the back.

"You know what, for that you can go next!! How about that bitch?!" Jess yelled.

Tobi jumped up, "Ok!" He wrapped his arm around Jess's throat and dragged her up there as well while she struggled under his grip.

"DOMESTIC ABUSE!!!!" Naruto jumped from behind the curtain and shouted.

M and Sasuke jumped up. "What the hell?!"

The rest of the Akatsuki jumped up. "Kyuubi! Get him!" Naruto screamed and ran out. M stepped in front of the door the whole Akatsuki stopping in front of her.

"Sit… the fuck… down." She said. They obeyed and sat down… in fetal position.

Tobi jumped Jess still in his grip. "Ok OK!!! IT'S TOBI'S TURN!!!" Jess turned a bright purple.

"Can't breathe…" She croaked out.

"Sowwie!!" Tobi shouted and let her go. Jess fell on the floor inhaling deeply. "Don't call me a horse. I'm a unicorn! Mystical, magical, mysterious, not plain! Got wings like Pegasus and a nice white coat. I grant wishes and prance, in the rain! U… N… I… C… O… R… N… that's a unicorn! U-N-I-C-O-R-N, U-N-I-C-O-R-N, U-N-I-C-O-R-N, U-N-I-C-O-R-N."

By the time Tobi got there everyone's hair had fallen off and blood was coming out of their ears. (Jess: Coming out? M: Si… coming.)

"DEIDARA!!!" Everyone screamed and Deidara kicked Tobi off the stage. Tobi sat on the ground and started crying.

"DEIDARA-SENPAI HURT TOBI!!!" Tobi cried. Everyone tried to comfort the crying child-man. Jess dragged him out of the room. There was a slap heard and then he was dragged back in rubbing his ass in silence. No one dared to comment.

Deidara ran up to the stage screaming. "IF I WERE A BOY I THINK I WOULD UNDERSTAND!!!" M kicked his ass and Itachi tackled him down.

"Shut up."

"Hey sexy…" Deidara said. Sasuke's jaw dropped.

"NOT HIM TOO!!! HOLY SHIT OF THE LOG WHY THE HELL IS EVERY MAN AFTER MY BROTHER!!!"

"Somebody's jealous…" Jess sang.

"Sex of the whores." Sasuke replied. Jess gasped insulted. "Lesbian."

"FLUFFY!!!! Your turn!" Jess said ignoring Sasuke's comments.

"While I have a boner?!" He yelled.

"Si." Jess replied. Pein glared at the teenaged girls. "FLUFFY'S GONE WILD!!!"

"GET THE VIDEO CAMERA!!!" M ran out of the room and in a mater of a second back in with a video camera. Pein snatched it from her hand. She sniffed. "Konan!!!" She whined. Pein hit his own daughter on the head and walked up stage.

"I hate you all, worthless asses." He hissed.

"You are the one with bunny slippers!" Jess accused.

Pein glared. "Who told you about those?!"

Before Jess could reply the music started. "Sometimes it seems that I have no place, and I don't know what to do with myself. Lay down night after another I can taste the filth inside. And I need to cleanse my soul." Bunny slippers hit his orange hair and face. The Akatsuki was twitched.

"And where the hell did that come from?" M asked.

"Your mom."

"Mommy?!"

"No shit Sherlock."

"MOMMY!!!" M yelled and jumped on Pein. Konan blinked.

"Pein since when do you have a pussy?" She asked. M pulled his pants away from his waist and looked down his boxers.

"Nah, still has a penis. But I'll have to fix that eventually." M said. Sasuke screamed like a little girl in the background. M dragged Pein off and threw him in Konan's lap. "Have fun!" She said. "HIDAN!!!"

"What the fuck do you fucking want from me you fucking bitch!"

"Get the fuck up there!" M and Jess screamed back at him. Hidan walked up to the stage.

"Mother fuckers fucking disturbing the fucking peace. What the fuck is there-!"

"Shut the fuck up and sing!"

"Fine. I am not a whore. I am not a whore. I am not a whore. I am not a whore. I am not a whore. I am not a whore. But I like to do it!" The music stopped and he walked back to his seat.

"WHAT THE FUCK!!!" Everyone in the room screamed. Hidan shrugged and sat down opening up the bible of Jashinism and started to read it quietly. Everyone twitched.

Kakuzu walked up to the stage said, "Bring me to life." and sat back down opening his own book of medical stuff.

Kabuto shook his head. "So gay."

"Wanna take this to the corner newbie?"

"No, mofo." They started fighting like men… for those of you who know what fighting like men really is. For those of you who don't… suck it!

Zetsu ran up to the stage. "Good bye my almost lover. Good bye my homeless chicken." Everyone looked next to the bag. A homeless chicken sat in a seat clucking and shaking its feathers. "I'm trying to not think about you, why can't you just like me be. So long my luckless romance. My back is turned on you. Should have known you'd heart ache. Homeless chickens always do."

M started crying. "That was beautiful." She whimpered. M dried her tears. "SASUKE YOU MOTHER FUCKER GET THE HELL UP THERE!!!"

"Jesus Christ no need to yell, I'm coming." He said. Jess cracked up hysterically.

M looked at Jess. "Release the special guest." Jess pulled a string on the bag and Sakura came out.

"Why the hell did you stuff me in the-!" She paused. "SASUKE!!!"

"FUCK!!! I THOUGHT I GOT RID OF YOU BACK IN PART 1!!!" He screamed.

"Don't worry Sasuke. She's your backup dancer." Sasuke twitched at Jess's words. "M you too."

"What?" M asked. Sasuke grabbed her ankle and pulled her up to the stage. "JESS!!!" Jess waved at M with a smile on her face.

Sasuke cleared his throat before singing. "This. Is. My. Revenge!" He pointed at Itachi. Itachi glared. "I'm a little tease." Sasuke stripped himself of his shirt. "Watch what I do." Sasuke grabbed his dick. "Here's a little taste." Sasuke licked his fingers. "Of how it's going to be from now on."

"Please keep it PG-13!!! We don't wanna see your penis… oh wait I forgot we cut it off."

Sasuke twitched before Sakura started hugging him. "Oh poor Sasuke-kun's penis got cut off." He screamed.

"Get her off!!! COOTIES!!!" Sasuke screamed like a little girl. M laughed and walked off the stage.

"Take him to Itachi's room." Sakura disappeared with Sasuke.

"NOOOO!!!" Sasuke screamed down the hall.

"DOMESTIC ABUSE!!!" Naruto popped in from the door and ran back out.

M ran out and screamed. "TEAM SEVEN FUCKING REUNION!!!" Naruto came back and ran towards Sakura and Sasuke.

"Miranda! Don't rape Sasuke!! That's what Saturday and Sunday are for!!!"

M gripped the door. "Temptation, temptation, temptation." She jumped on Kabuto's back. "MASTURABATION!!!"

"Oh, Michael Jackson!" Jess sang.

Orochimaru sighed and went up stage. "Thriller! Thriller night!" He started dancing to that song and managed to get through it without anyone stopping him. There was clapping and a bunch of fan girls ran in with hearts in there eyes.

Jess and M pulled out the bazookas. "Get out." They said. Suigetsu ran up like a little boy "Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream! Merrily, merrily, merrily like is but a dream!" He screamed. M kicked his head.

"What the hell is with the sound peeps?!"

"So many things." Jess said shaking her head disappointed.

"You vomit bitch!" M called Karin.

"Yes?" Sakura said her head popping into the door.

Jess stomped to her. "Naruto's dick up Sasuke's ass." Sakura turned into a puddle.

"I'm coming, bitch."

"Thank you!" Jess and M said.

Karin sighed and took of her glasses, trying to be seductive. M and Jess's faces turned. "I hopped off the plane at LAX with a dream and my cardigan welcome to the land of fame excess, (woah) am I gonna fit in?" Karin sang. Jess kicked her off this time.

"Are you tainting the Akatsuki? What the hell is wrong with you! Get the fuck out of here bitch! Go join the Sasuke fucking room!" She cried. Karin didn't miss the change and ran out of the room. Jess and M went bald. Not on our heads bitches!

"Some please perform a normal song." M prayed.

"Juugo you go." Suigetsu said.

"Yeah, Juugo." Kabuto agreed.

"No…" Juugo argued. M and Jess stood over him cracking their knuckles threateningly.

"Do you want to get beaten up?"

He ran to the stage. M and Jess smiled evilly. "Um…" He started signing Call Me When You're Sober. M and Jess and everyone else started twitching. Sasuke ran into the room butt naked and wrapped himself around Juugo.

M and Jess' jaw dropped. Pein placed his hand over M's eyes. Tobi tilted his head. "Why doesn't Sasuke have the same thing as Itachi?" Jess covered Tobi's eyehole.

"Sasuke-kun!!!" Sakura's voice said. Sasuke screamed again like a girl and Naruto popped in screaming, "DOMESTIC ABUSE!!!" Jess pushed Juugo, Sasuke, Sakura and Naruto out of the room. She closed at locked the door before herself screaming.

"DOMESTIC ABUSE!!!"

"HELLS YEAH!!" Naruto screamed from the other side of the door. Deidara flipped a paper on the clip board.

"The only person that hasn't gone." M and Jess looked at Deidara with death glares. "Is Kabuto." Their eyes shifted to the white haired man. He was sweating in fear. M stood so she was at the same level as Jess. They pointed to the stage with scary eyes.

"No! No! I can't!" Their gazes got scarier. He ran to the stage and grabbed the microphone. Jess kicked the wall again.

"STOP HITTING ME!!!" A voice called. M's eye twitched. Jess looked at her.

"Don't ask."

"Wasn't going to…" She said.

Jillian from Within Temptation started playing. Kabuto started singing. At the end no one said anything. Silence was steady for a good five minutes before M screamed and glumped Kabuto. "I love you mofo… You looked so hot."

"No he didn't!" Konan and Jess said. M placed her finger to her lips shushing them.

"Sound peeps." M said. Jess stood hyper suddenly.

They pointed at the door. "Get the hell out." They scurried out so happy to be alive. "Yo bitches!" They called down once they were at the streets. Itachi came up to the balcony holding a naked Sasuke by the neck.

"Take him." He said and threw him to Orochimaru. Sasuke screamed in and crashed in front of Orochimaru's feet.

"DOMESTIC ABUSE!!!" M and Jess screamed.

"DOMESTIC ABUSE!!!" Naruto yelled from some random point in the village. The girls rushed back to the door.

"Where do you think you are going?" Itachi asked.

Jess and M looked back. "To plot the next game, duh!"


	12. Chapter 12 Actually it's 11 12

Story Starts:

Pein burst into Jess' and M's room. They screamed falling off their beds. M blinked. "Daddy, what are you doing in here?!"

He pointed up. "Why the hell is this chapter called 11 ½?!" He screamed.

"Hey, The Lion King did it, what the hell, why can't we?"

M blinked and pointed at Jess. "What she said…" She said.

"Change it to 12 damn it!" M pushed Pein out.

"No! We are editing the video with Itachi and Deidara fucking!!!"

"What…?"

"Kisame's gonna be pissed when he sees it…" Jess said.

"Your point?" M asked.

Pein blinked. "Wait a minute! That means you know the true gender of Deidara!" He screamed.

"Oh, dear, we have known… a _long _time…" M said smiling evilly.

"And you haven't told anyone?!"

"We didn't tell anyone yet." Jess said.

(3 days later)

Deidara ran through the hall of the Akatsuki crying and screaming. He went to Pein and told him, Kisame was mad and then…

"M! Jess!" Pein screamed over the loud speakers. "Konan! You too! You three are up to your neck in trouble!"

M and Jess looked from the Akatsuki's Gone Wild home page and whined. "Damn it!" M hissed.

"News travels so fast…" Jess said. They went to Pein's office and sat down.

"So you've figured it out… Deidara is a girl."

"Like we said… we knew…" Jess said.

M sighed. "Now that we have video evidence…" M tackled the filing cabinet. "Give us the papers!" Pein pulled her off by the neck and held her like a puppy.

"You are going to wash Deidara's room for a week now."

"But Fluffy!!!!" M whined.

"Silence! I already have Itachi working for Deidara as a maid…"

Jess gasped. "You are only tearing apart the relationship between Itachi and Kisame you sinner!"

"Do I look like I care?" Pein said.

"You bastard!!!"

M whined again. "Niii!!!" She screamed. "What's Konan's punishment?"

"Being my maid for the week."

Jess scoffed. "That is not a punishment, she'd enjoy that."

Pein let go of M, her butt hitting the floor. "Owie! Daddy!"

"That Jess, is completely irrelevant."

"It is so relevant!" Jess yelled back pointing accusingly.

"So? I'm the leader of the Akatsuki, I can do whatever I want!"

"You sinner who likes it up the ass!!" She screamed at him.

"How'd you know that I like it up the ass?!" M smiled and laughed diabolically along with Jess. Pein freaked out. "No! You have a video of me with Tobi don't you?!!"

"DADDY NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! But yes, we do have a video." Jess said.

M pulled her father down to her eye level, "And you looked very sexy dare I say."

Naruto jumped into the room. "Incest!!!" He screamed.

"Kyuubi!!!" Pein screamed. "Someone get him!"

Sasori ran after Naruto. Jess blinked confused. "Isn't Sasori… dead?"

"That's what they want you think."

M turned to liquid on the floor. "He's back…" She turned back to normal and ran out the room screaming, "Sasori-donna!!!"

"I thought they'd never leave!" Jess said. "You know I thought you looked sexy in that video too." She said and winked at him.

Pein nodded. "Yes, I know." He started unbuttoning his cloak and Tobi crushed into the room with a video camera.

"M asked Tobi to video tape you too!"

Jess's and Pein's jaw dropped, "Daddy…?" Jess asked.

"Hi Jessie-chan!"

M and Sasori ran into the room laughing the guts out. M smiled. "I win!"

"I'm fucking your dad so I believe I win!"

"Who said I wasn't fucking members of your family?" M asked.

"We all know you're fucking Sasuke!" Jess said.

"Who said I was talking about Sasuke?"

"Itachi?"

"No… sadly."

"DADDY NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Tobi walked to the door to M. He brushed her hair from her face. "I'll see you tonight." He said in his normal deep voice.

"FETAL POSITION!!!!! MY VIRGIN EYES!!!" Jess said. She ran to the corner of the room and sat in fetal position and rocked back and forth.

They all looked at the door when they started hearing groans and moans. Jess and M glared. "Itachi and Kisame." They looked at Tobi. "Go get them!"

Tobi saluted them. "Yes ma'am!" And he vanished off.


	13. Chapter 12 this one's really twelve

Story Starts:

Chapter 12:

"HELLS YEAH NOW IT'S CHAPTER TWELVE!" Pein said. Jess and M looked at him with wide eyes.

"Yes, of course it's chapter 12… mofo…" Miranda said to her father.

"Go put on your maid outfit as punishment!"

"What?" M replied.

"Jess you too!"

"Ooh, kinky, sure!" Jess said and skipped merrily out of the room into the bathroom and came out in a little skimpy maid outfit. "Now what do I do?"

"I could think of a few things…" Pein said. Miranda went bald… and not on her head.

"PEDOPHILE! AND I'M SURE SOMEHOW THIS IS INCEST!" M shouted. Jess pulled out a family tree list and started counting back the ancestors to see how they were related.

"FOUND IT!" Jess cried. M came and looked at the paper. "And look what else I found!" Jess stuck a condom in M's face. "Wonder what we can use it for…"

"Do you realize where that has been?" Jess made a face.

"Ewwwieeee! Cooties!"

"No, STD's."

"Isn't it STI's now?"

"Irrelevant!" M said.

"Totally relevant!"

"Well… you know what? Sex tapes!"

"Wanna make more?" Jess asked.

"Gladly!"

"CAN TOBI BE IN IT?" Tobi shouted appearing from nowhere.

"As long as it's not in my office!" Pein screamed.

M and Jess looked at Pein. "Really, daddy?" They asked innocently with large puppy dog faces.

"As long as I am there to supervise." Pein corrected himself. Konan coughed from the corner.

"Where the hell did you come from?" M, Jess and Tobi asked.

Konan raised her eye brow, "I've been here…. Oh and girls I updated Akatsuki's Gone Wild for you last night." She said.

"That sites still up?" Pein screamed and disappeared into a room with a computer. Jess handed Tobi a camera and he disappeared into the room as well. Within moments there were moans and groans and soon it was overpowered by music. … Faggot.

"There's more to upload tonight…."

"Oh dear…" Jess said.

"Game?" M asked a wild spark in her eyes.

"I'm scared but I'm going to say yes anyway." They turned on the loudspeaker.

"HELLO AKATSUKI! I WANT TO PLAY A GAME!"

"Again?" They all shouted.

"YES AGAIN! NOW SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Konan looked at the girls startled. Jess and M stared at her for a second. M turned on the loud speaker again. "PEIN! TOBI! WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU STILL FUCKING! STOP I CAN HEAR YOU FROM… you don't need to know where I am actually…" (Jess: It's kinda obvious they are in Pein's office… M: they will never know that, fuu fuu fuu…) The moans and groans stopped.

"But- but! Mister voice we are in the middle of recording!"

"WHO SAID YOU CAN SPEAK BACK TO ME BITCH? I AM A WOMAN BY THE WAY!" Tobi squeaked. "Do you want to end up penisless? DO YOU WANT TO END UP LIKE SASUKE OVER THERE!" Chibi Sasuke was standing in the corner in the nude covering up his missing private part.

"Um… M, he's only there in you imagination…"

"Oh… well… damn…"

"Now what would strike fear into the hearts of the Akatsuki?" Jess said with a pondering look. Konan raised an eyebrow. M looked skeptic.

"But oh the possibilities…"

"Scrabble?" Konan suggested.

"Oh yes and afterword we'll play a frightening game of go fish."

"I was just trying to help…"

"You do enough helping around here if you know what I mean." M mumbled under her breath.

"We could always chain then to walls and make them saw off their own penises."

"But… then I can't play with them." Konan said.

M smiled wickedly. "Oh we are taking off their penises alright…" She giggled a little bit. Konan cocked her eyebrow again. She picked up the phone and dialed in a number. "Uncle Oreo?" She said. "Hey it's M." Pause. "Yeah! I'll come visit soon!" Pause. "Oh, I'll definitely bring that for you!" She said in a sweet voice. "Hey uncle I need something…" Pause. "Sasuke needs to here for a bit." Pause. "Well I want to comfort him for his missing penis, may I uncle, please?" Pause. "Yay!" Pause. "Love you too, Uncle Oreo… bye bye!" She hung up the phone. She broke out into a hysterical laughter that echoed the walls. Jess and Konan looked frightened. "Get the scrabble boards, we need to be busy for an hour…"

"What are you doing? Why'd you call Uncle Oreo? Why is Sasuke being brought here? Why?" Jess freaked out.

"You'll see…" M said with an evil smirk on her face. Jess sighed and got the scrabble boards.

"I'm frightened… MOMMY!" A Nazi girl appeared in the room. "I'm scared!" The Nazi girl comforted Jess.

M laughed hysterically again. "Konan you know that large red chair daddy likes?" Konan nodded. "Bring it to the meeting room." M laughed again as Konan slowly left the room. She turned on the loud speakers. "NOW MY LITTLE BITCHES! ALL OF YOU GO TO THE MEETING ROOM, MWAHAHAHAHAHA!" A little elf girl was hugging Jess and the Nazi girl. They all screamed along with the rest of the Akatsuki.

"What are you going to do?" The Nazi girl asked.

M looked at her. "The condoms gave me an idea…." M went online and was giggling as she bought two special objects. "They'll be here around the time Sasuke gets here… gooood…." M said giggling.

Sasuke arrived shortly after that along with her packages. M laughed evily as she took the package from the Fedex guy. "Ummm ma'am." The guys said interrupting M's laughter. "You need to sign for it."

"Oh right." She scribbled her name down and then pushed the guy out of the Akatsuki… then she continued laughing evily. M grabbed Konan and Sasuke and shoved them into the office. Jess looked at M with a horrified expression.

"You wouldn't!" Jess cried. "M, that's just taking it too far!"

M pulled out what was inside the package. "Oh… but I would. Konan put this on!" She grabbed the second and tackled Sasuke. "Now hold still, I would say this is going to hurt but its you so I'm sure it will feel good." M laughed stripping him of his pants.

"What are you doing? No! THIS WAS NEVER IN MY CONTRACT WHEN I SIGNED UP FOR THIS!"

"NO ONE GIVES A CRAP!" M said and shoved something up his ass. (Jess: You know… you should censor this part out. M: like I would! Jess: haha.) Sasuke groaned out loud. "Feels good yet baby?" M laughed hysterically.

"Innuendo!" Jess screamed watching them.

M got off of Sasuke once she was done. "It's cold." Sasuke complained.

"Deal with it BITCH!" Jess snapped. Sasuke whimpered helpless.

"I want a raise." He mumbled.

"Oh but you aren't getting one… TO THE MEETING ROOM!" M yelled. Konan, Jess, Sasuke and M went to the meeting room where the other nine Akatsuki members stood. M sat in her large red chair with an evil smile on her face. "I'm sure all you men are aware how dreadfully painful a anti rape ring are." The Akatsuki members went bald, not on their heads (M: wait… they've been bald down there for a while o.O) M laughed. "Go my beautiful minions!" She sang.

(M: ok now im going to censor it Jess: of course you censor the parts we want to read… M: Naturally Jess: EVERYTHING COMES NATURALLY! IT COMES NATURALLY! WHEN YOU'RE WITH ME BABY!... ok moment over.)

"Ok one more… " Jess said. Sasuke groaned. "Good boy."

"We have them all?" M asked the evil glare still in her eyes.

"I'm bleeding!" Hidan screamed. "Like a girl!"

"Be a man!" Jess screamed.

"I can't!" He cried back.

"All nine penis are all packaged and ready to be sold on ebay." Konan said.

"Perfect…" M said sinisterly. She laughed evilly as all the nine males of the Akatsuki laid wasted on the floor, penisless… (M: SO THEY ARE NO LONGER MEN! Jess: Wait, whats changed? M: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA!) "HOLY CRAP!" M suddenly shouted. She ran to the box with Itachi's penis. "Mine!" She screamed and ran.

"BITCH I WILL FIGHT YOU FOR IT!" Jess screamed and ran after her.

"THAT'S INCEST!"

"POINT BEING?" Jess yelled back.

M laughed as she ran all around the Akatsuki base carrying Itachi's penis.

The End!

"Wait hold up!" Sasuke screamed. "You took mine and that wasn't enough for you and now you are fighting for my brothers? What the fuck?" He looked at Itachi. "Did they fight over mine?"

"No, foolish little brother."

"WHYYYYYYYYYYYY?"

"I'm hotter and older than you…" Itachi said calmly in a matter of factly way. Sasuke cried out in agony.

"Wait!" He suddenly said. "Bitch! I score higher on the popularity polls bitch! Suck on that!"

"You swallow that…" Itachi replied.

"NOOOOOOOO!" He wailed.

Now, it's the end. XD

Link to the Akatsuki Wars Youtube Channel (ask the Akatsuki a question and they will answer ): .com/user/xAkatsukixWarsx


	14. Chapter 12 and a half: Jess' Birthday!

Story Starts:

Chapter 12 ½:

"FUCK IT NOT AGAIN!" Pein screamed.

"Shush!" M silenced him.

Pein gawked at his daughters sudden silence needs. "What?" He asked.

Her eyes turned to him, wide and angry. "DO YOU KNOW WHAT DAY IT IS? DO YOU KNOW?" She screamed loud enough to leave a ringing in his ear.

"August sixteenth?"

"Exactly!" M snapped. "Do you have any idea whose birthday it is today?" Pein shook his head. "JESSIE-CHAN'S YOU IDIOT! And what are you doing here you are supposed to be in the meeting room making everything with the rest of the bitches…" M grabbed Pein by the ear and dragged him out of the office.

"Oh, no!" He snapped. "You did not just grab my ear like a pimp." He put his hand on his hip and started snaping his fingers. "And drag me out of my own office!"

M stared at Pein for five seconds and slammed the door shut, locking it. M went to her seat and sat down putting her feet up so they were on Sasuke's back. "Why am I your foot rest?"

"Who said you can speak…?" M asked sharply. Sasuke whimpered.

"I'm still swore from your game-!"

"HELLO AKATSUKI!" M roared into the loud speaker. Instead of the usual ten screams… eleven were heard.

Jess looked at the loud speaker. "WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS? WHO SAID YOU CAN HAVE A GAME WITHOUT ME!"

"SILENCE! YOU'VE BEEN FIRED AND REPLACED!" M said.

"BY WHO?"

"Itachi's penis…"

Jess froze for a moment. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" She cried melting against the floor leaving the computer with the new sex time of the Akatsuki still unedited on her bed.

M started laughing like an evil witch, thunder and lightning flashed along the sky sending a shadow into the office making her look like a demon from hell. Sasuke looked at the shadow and tears formed in his eyes. "I need to pee again… It stings again…" M kicked his back. Sasuke let out a moan. (M: still kinky…)

"Tobi, please escort your daughter to the meeting room, the rest of you…" her voice went from warm and sweet to deadly and sour, "IM GOING TO BE DOWN THERE IN FIVE MINUTES, SHE WILL BE THERE IN SIX, IF THE MEETING ROOM ISN'T FUCKING READY FOR HER PUNISHMENT…" She said in a grave tone. "I'LL KILL YOU…"

The Akatsuki jumped behind Pein as all of them stood in the meeting room. "Leader!" the nine members cried like babies.

"SILENCE!"

As said Tobi escorted Jess down who was a molten mess and M was sitting in the room. Just as Jess and Tobi walk in and stream of colorful sparkles filled the air. "Surprise happy birthday JESS!"

"You're birthday gift from us is… you are not fired… you still have your job…" M said.

"WHAT KINDA OF SHITTY GIFT IS THAT!"

M smiled from one ear to another. "Sucka…"


	15. Chapter 13 Finally 13!

Story Starts:

Warning: Extreme racism, Hitler and Stalin jokes, World War 2 jokes, if you are easily offended do not read. I repeat. Do Not Read.

My god, we are delayed. I blame the Jews… speaking of Jews…

Hitler walked into the Akatsuki base. "Intruder alert! INTRUDER ALERT!" Tobi screamed running around the base. The sound of Hitler's boots thundered in the hall.

"Aw shit! He's back!" Zetsu said, peering out of his bedroom.

"Who's back?" Orochimaru asked sticking his head out of the bedroom as well.

"The man that taught them… everything."

After finishing his march to the Akatsuki office and having round up Pein, Konan and Tobi. He opened his mouth. "Was zum Teufel ist los mit dir wenig Ficker!" (What the fuck is wrong with you fuckers!) Pein and Tobi started crying.

"Pussies…" Miranda muttered under her breath. She then stared in adoration at the Nazi.

"Don't jizz yourself now." Jess said.

"But it's Hitler!" She squealed. She ran to him from behind and tackled him, screaming and squealing.

"M, WHAT ARE YOU DOING THAT IS THE FURHER!" Pein screamed his hair falling off (in the usual place it falls off :D).

"Wie zum Teufel ist dieser kleine Scheiße!" (Who the hell is this little shit!)

"Forgive me, Furher, that's M."

"Wo zum Teufel hast du Stalin!" (where did you put Stalin) Hitler screamed.

Pein was leaking many different fluids from his eyes. "I don't know…" He said.

"Oh, um… be right back." Jess said. She left the room and returned moments later with Joseph Stalin following behind her with a disturbed look on his face.

"Was hast du mit meinem Stalin getan? Ich meine ... was hast du mit ihm gemacht!" (What have you done to my Stalin? I mean... what have you done to him!) Hitler shouted in disgust.

"He may have possibly been in my closet for a couple months." Jess smiled innocently at them.

"No of course not what are you high on?" M said with her.

"Kokain!" (I'll give you five guesses, what that means…)

"Hitler?" Stalin said with a surprised look.

"Stalin!" He yelled back and they rushed towards each other hugging. "Wann war das letzte Mal, seit wir uns verpflichtet eine masse volkemord?" (When was the last time we committed a mass genocide?) He asked.

"Слишком долго, мой возлюбленный!" (Too long, my lover!)

M tapped Jess' shoulder. "Wait… aren't they dead?" M started shaking Jess. "AREN'T THEY DEAD?" She screamed a little too loudly.

"They have been brought back to life. It is a gift from God." Jess said with stars in her eyes.

"Was knacken Sie ernähren diese Kinder? Warum zum Teufel haben sie wie die Affen verhalten?" (What crack do you feed these children? Why are they acting like monkeys?) The Furher asked.

"И почему один взгляд, как нацистский?" (and why does one look like a Nazi)

Tobi started waving his arms in the air. "She's mine isn't she so pretty?"

"She's a mutt." Konan said and Hitler spat in their direction.

"Jude." Hitler said.

"I am not a Jew!" Jess shouted. "I have never been so insulted in my life!"

"Ein gutter Jude." (A good jew.) He said. "Noch ein Jude." (Still a jew.)

"Нет, пожалуйста, Гитлер сосредоточиться на меня!" (No please, Hitler only look at me!) Stalin said.

M started smacking Jess' arm. "Akatsuki's gone wild, Akatsuki's gone wild." She started chanting.

"Oh yes." Konan said.

"Someone get a video camera!" Jess shouted. Konan reached behind her back and pulled a camera seemingly out of her ass. "Fuck logic!"

"It's always handy." Konan said.

"For what?" M asked.

"I don't think we even want to know."

Pein cleared his throat. "Of course you don't."

"I'll send them to you tonight." Konan said. And only a moment out of their sight Hitler and Stalin were gone. "Where did they go?"

"Shiiiiiiit!" M screamed. "Lock down the POOOOOWER!" They turned off everything. "Stalin, Hitler, this is an order, and a game!"

"Oh Ich mag Spiele!" (Oh I like games!)

"Who can commit the largest genocide. GO!" Jess said.

Hitler and Stalin ran out in full power. M smiled wickedly. "Call Tojo and Mussolini…" Pein and Tobi started crying again.

"First the Furher, now this!" Pein cried.

Jess handed M the phone, Tojo had picked up. "Kon'nichiwa." He said.

"Tojo, get your little yellow ass to the base."

"Nazedesu ka?" (Why?)

"Hitler and Stalin are committing mass genocides without you!" M shouted back.

"Nanda! Watashi ga ikanakereba naranai!" (What the hell? I have to go!) Tojo hung up.

"Jess, be a darling and call Mussolini. I have to go get a certain sound peep…" M said, laughing crazily as she walked out of the office.

"I don't even wanna know…" Jess sighed as she called Mussolini.

"Buono giorno!"

"Mussolini, Hitler, Stalin, Tojo, mass genocide. Get your ass over here!" She hung up and marched out of Pein's office feeling accomplished. "Mi-chama! What are you getting?"

"A certain emo faggot."

"Hitler's already here… I never said that, he'll gas me." M chuckled. "Shut up! Oh wait, you mean Sasuke?"

"Very good blonde insignificant thing." Jess stuck her tongue out at M in an angry anime fashion.

M marched into her room. She reached into her closet and pulled out Sasuke dressed in a chicken suit. "He finally came out of the closet!" Jess said.

"What the hell are you doing to me you fags!" Sasuke screamed. "Put me down, put me down!"

"No!" M said and started strolling out of the room.

"Oh shit, we are not playing a game are we? We aren't playing a game?" Jess nodded. "NOOO! SAVE ME, SAVE ME! THEY'LL KILL ME THIS TIME! I DON'T WANT ANYMORE, THEY'VE TAKEN MY PENIS, WHAT'S NEXT MY VIRGINITY?"

"Damn it he figured it out!" M said.

"WHAT?" His face went pale. Jess cracked up with laughter as her dark haired friend continued walking through the Akatsuki headquarters back in the direction of Pein's office.

"Hello Akatsuki, and welcomed and adored guests… I want to play a game… Again!" Thunder was heard and the lights flickered resembling lightning flashing. The Akatsuki members began shaking while the dictators sat comfortably in their chairs, proud, confident smiles on their faces. "Akatsuki, you will all be on a team. And your duty is to commit the largest genocide. Go!" M stepped away from the intercom with a satisfied smile. "Oh, and taking Sasuke's virginity equals 1,000 lives." She added quickly running back and speaking into the microphone.

Sasuke stared as everyone started going towards him. He started screaming and the whole Akatsuki started chasing him in a circle around Pein's desk which M was currently placing her feet on as she sat on the big red chair. "This… is too good."

"I want a raise!" Sasuke screamed as he continued to run.

"Jess, honey, call Santa, tell him to get the elves." M said with a smirk.

"Not the elves!" Sasuke cried as he continued to run. "MY VIRGINITY!"

"What have we done?" Jess asked slightly horrified.

"Wonderful things." M said.

"Where are the dictators?"

"Probably off fighting Stalingrad Part two." Jess shrugged and sat down across from M, putting her feet up on the desk as well. "Who said you could put your feet there?"

"Your mother!"

"Oh well then in that case… GET THE FUCK OFF!" Jess gave M the finger and kept her feet on the desk.

"And not a single fuck was given that day." A loud cry for help was heard off in the wilderness, A.K.A. in one of the member's bedrooms. M and Jess' eyes widened. "He's not going to be ok is he?"

"Nope… oh well!" M laughed.

At the end of the game Hitler and Stalin came back with a crew of jews throwing things at them. "Nein, ihr bastarde!" (guess….) Hitler screamed. "Jude!"

M and Jess showed up. "What's the problem?" Jess asked.

"Der dumme Juden sind verruckt!" (The stupid jews are mad!)

M pouted. "Aw it's ok, we'll make apology cupcakes for them!"

"Was ist diese entschuldigung von denen du sprichst." (What is this apology of which you speak of?)

"Apology! Saying sorry!"

"Ew." Stalin and Hitler said.

"Well then." M and Jess said in unison.

"Kitchen! Now!" The two dictators followed the crazy teens to the kitchen. They got out all the ingredients they would need to make cupcakes and set them on the counter. "Now, we will show you the art of cupcake making." M told them.

"Oh, kann ich mir Regenbogen?" (Can I make mine rainbow?) M and Jess just about went bald.

"I thought Stalin wanted the rainbow colored shit…" M said.

"Well, it's obviously Hitler god!" Jess cried out.

After a few hours in the kitchen they finished off their cupcakes. "Now Hitler go give it to the Jews."

"Jude?"

"Yes, Jude."

"No."

"Why?"

"Weil sie Juden sind." (Because they are jews.) Hitler replied.

M cracked her neck and pulled out the utensils once used to cut Sasuke's penis off. "Go apologize to the jews…"

"Nein."

"Yes."

"Nein."

"Hitler!"

"M!"

"Hitler!"

"M!"

"Hitler! Apologize to the Jews or this knife will cut off one more penis!"

There was hesitation. "…Nein."

From the office the only thing Pein, Tobi and Konan could hear were screams of pain, shouts of anger, and the occasional groan. After a good twenty minutes Hitler brought M up by her neck. Her face was red and her eyes demanded blood. Stalin was holding Jess by the neck but they both looked shocked more than anything. Pein's eyes widened.

"Sie ist wurdig." (She is worthy.) Hitler said. "Ihr neuer Nachname wird nun Hitler." (your new last name is now Hitler) M's expression went from mad, to honored, to happy and then she passed out her eyes spinning.

Tobi started waving his arms around again. "Oh, oh! Is Jess worthy too?" He asked.

"Нет." (No.) Stalin started. "А она, подойдя назвать Сталина тоже." (But she can be named Stalin too.)

"Yay!" Tobi cheered. Jess rolled her eyes at her crazy father. "Oh, oh! Tobi wants to know who won the game!"

"It was a tie… Between… Hitler and Stalin" Jess announced. The Akatsuki groaned.

"But we took Sasuke's viriginity!" Konan shouted.

"But they have the gas chambers and Siberia! They were no match for the child's virginity!" Hitler and Stalin began shouting at each other in their language… clearly this tie would not be broken easily.

M cracked her knuckles. "So, when do we start the next's genocide."


	16. Chapter 14

Story Starts:

"Crank! Harder! And faster you bitches!" M screamed on a megaphone (that thingy where you talk into it and its like LOUD!). The sound peeps moved the cranes faster, to only hear a shout from penisless Sasuke shout back.

"We are going to as fast as we can!"

"Not fast enough!" M shouted back.

"B-but!"

"Save it for someone who cares!" Jess shouted at the whiney emo kid.

"This is child abuse! I'm gonna report this!" Sasuke shouted.

"Okay, have fun honey." M replied.

They were cranking down a big Walmart sign in front of the Akatsuki base.

"Remind me again why we're putting a Walmart sign in front of the Akatsuki base?"

"Because Itachi wants Klondike bars." M explained.

"Nooooooooooo!" Sasuke screamed,

"And because I want to hire creepy Mexicans." She smiled brightly.

"Where are you going to find creepy Mexicans around here?" Jess asked.

"I have connections…"

"What kind of connections?" Sasuke asked. M grinned evilly as her response.

She laughed crackly hard and then looked at Jess. "A certain nigger. " (I'm going to get shot one day…)

Pein went up to the balcony. "Why are there creepy Mexicans and black people lining up at the entrance of this base! What would Stalin and Hitler say?"

"Domestic abuse!" Naruto shouted popping out from nowhere and then running off.

M and Jess stared. "Poison gas?" They replied.

"We're putting them to good use!" Jess tried to reason with the angry leader.

"And that would be?"

"They're going to work at our Walmart!" She said with an innocent smile.

"You're building a Walmart?"

"Why would we build one when we have a perfectly good place right here?" M asked.

"Where would that be?"

"Your base" The girls mumbled.

"WHAT?"

"Yup yup! The Akatsuki is being turned into a Walmart filled with creepy Mexicans and niggers!"

A spider came out from a crack in the wall and passed in between the girls and Pein. It farted and continued on its journey. "So they really do fart at walmart…" Pein just shitted a brick, unable to take it all and fainted, falling back.

"And apparently bricks can really be shat?"

"We have a glorious selection of low fat yogurts!" And then a slew of random noises was heard, The girls turned around to find one of the creepy Mexicans behind them.

"All of the rumors are true!"

"The sign is now in place ma'am!" Sasuke said.

"Good… now get me my big red chair and let the hiring begin, MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA!" M laughed thunder and lightning filling the sky behind her.

Sasuke went bald (in the usual place), but when and lined up all the Mexicans and niggers he could find. (We are still going to hell.)

M and Jess interviewed people for hours, making sure to hire only the creepiest Mexicans and Niggers. (Hey, you can't have normal people working at Walmart) The Akatsuki watched in horror and partially in awe at what the crackhead alcoholic girls had done.

Once they were done they went through the list of people they had hired, making sure they met all the requirements.

"Do any of them speak English?"

"Nope!" M exclaimed.

"Do the Mexicans all have mustaches?"

"Yes!"

"Then I think we're ready to open our Walmart"

Hitler and Stalin only purchased the finest of their death weapons from their walmart. Overall it was a very successful business. But after a while it got too much for Stalin to handle.

One day he came rampaging into the store holding hammers and axes. "Что это за фигня! (What is this bullshit!)"

"Stalin, what's wrong?" Tobi asked. "You should be happy and joyful, like Tachi over there." He pointed at Itachi in the corner of the ice cream section having a battle to the death with Sasuke over the last Klondike bar before the new shipment arrived.

"Почему вы продаете все это других бесполезных дерьма тоже? (Why do you sell all this other crap too?)" Stalin asked the man with the orange mask.

"Why? Do you think that it would be much more profitable if we just sold grocery things?" Stalin nodded. Tobi's voice became deep and harsh. "Got a problem with what our kids do?"

Stalin shitted a brick. "Was hast du mein Geliebter getan! (What have you to my lover?)"

"You have problem?" Tobi asked in the same voice. Hitler shit his pants as well.

M sat in her large red chair in the center of the store over looking everything. "Have I told you your father is one sexy mother fucker when he's angry?"

Jess went bald as her eye twitched. "Go home."

"What? It's true."

"What if I told you your dad was sexy!"

"He is! I'm aware of this fact!"

"I'm gonna go join the fight for the Klondike bar now." Jess left her smirking friend and joined the Uchihas that were wrestling on the ground. She simply grabbed the bar, unwrapped it, and took the first bite. The brothers stared in amazement. "And not a single fuck was given that day."

"Hey Jess!" M called.

"Yeah?"

"We should sell pits of death!" Jess' eyes widened.

"You are on crack!"

"It'd be a great way to do business with Sparta again..." Hitler and Staling nodded their heads. "See! The lovebirds agree! Let's do it!"

Pein came from nowhere. "Again, I fail to contact Sparta, how do you do it?"

Somewhere in the land of the sound peeps... Maybe the snake lord was sleeping with Kabuto and the Spartan leader... maybe. Totally not implying anything right now. Of course not.

Pein's eye twitched. "I did not need to know that."

"Well now you do." Jess said.

Sasuke jumped. "Wait, what? There is a threesome happening and YOU aren't recording it?"

"Don't worry I sent Konan there ages ago." M said.

"That's why we haven't seen her yet."

"Correct! Sasuke, call Sparta's secretary. Jess, call Mussolini. Tell him a want over 400 jumbo shrimps from the Mediterranean by 5 this afternoon." She said grinning kicking her feet up.

"M..." Pein started. "There are no shrimps in the Mediterranean..."

"Well then he better find some." M said.

"What are you going to do?" Jess asked.

"Lore sharks into the pits so no one tries to steal them."

"Fuck logic?"

"Yup!"

"This is not what I signed up for when I became Akatsuki leader..." Pein shook his head at the girls.

"This is better than what you signed up for!"

"Yup, just what I've always wanted. Two teenage girls building a Wallmart out of my base that sells pits of death while Stalin and Hitler butt fuck in the corner." Everyone looked over to the corner to see that the two dictators were in fact having buttsex in the corner.

"Damn they really took it to the corner didn't they?" Jess said. (Brb partying in hell)


	17. Chapter 15

Story Starts:

Warning: This chapter contains extreme racism, there was a new level of hell created for us because of this chapter. Don't read if easily offended, or black, or Mexican, or bald, or in Hell. Have a nice day. Boomcock.

"Get your finger out of my asshole!" Pein shouted at Tobi. (This is what happens when Jess writes the intro.)

M and Jess heard this from the living room. "I think they've been watching too much of Get Him to the Greek, haven't they?" M asked.

"Just stroke the furry wall." Jess replied.

"We don't have a furry wall." M frowned.

"We must change that." M sighed and called up the employees from their Walmart.

"Please send a dozen furry walls to the Akatsuki."

The nigger on the other side of the phone was disturbed. "We don't supply any furry walls, ma'am." He said with a heavy southern accent. (Miranda's officially going to hell.)

"Do I look like I care nigga?"

"Ma'am, I'd prefer if you didn't call me nigger." He said.

"Do I fucking care? Find me a furry wall nigger! Go pick one from the cotton fields!" (Jess is really going to hell). "Fine, if you won't give me the furry wall give me a Mexican so I can ask him for a furry wall." The nigger gave the phone to one of the Mexican employees.

"Hola!" He said cheerfully.

"Get me a furry wall!"

"Lo siento, yo no hablo ingles."

"Huh? I just want a fucking furry wall!"

"Que?"

"Oh fuck it! Must I do everything myself! Give me someone who's American!"

The phone was transferred once again. "Konichiwa." Itachi said behind the phone.

"Oh Itachi, thank god! Can you get me furry walls?"

"Zan'nen'nagara wareware wa eigo o hanasenai." M's eyebrow twitched.

"Can anyone get me a furry wall?"

"Iie." Itachi said. M slammed the phone down on the hook and stormed out of the office.

"Where are you going?" Jess asked.

"To get a fucking furry wall!" Jess followed M out of the Akatsuki and into Wallmart. She ran down the isles until she found what she was looking for.

"Oh hey furry walls! They do have them!"

"Of course they do it's Wallmart! What nigga do I have to cut!"

"I'm pretty sure that's a hate crime."

"Everything we do in the Wars is a hate crime…" M said.

Jess made this face: o.O and said. "True…"

Konan rushed in. "I have another sex tape!"

"Hell yeah!" Jess said.

"Who is it?" M asked.

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you." Konan said, holding up the tape.

"Who?"

"It's a threesome. Between Itachi, Pein, Orochimaru." They all went bald.

"WHAT?" Itachi ran in, grabbed the tape and started running into the isles.

"After him!" M shouted and started running. "I will sell your dick to the Pope, get back here!" Everyone ran through the isles of Wallmart searching for Itachi.

"Give me back my sex tape!" M shouted after the Uchiha. The customers in Wallmart turned to her with wide eyes.

They cornered Itachi in the freezer section. "Hee hee hee…." They said. "I'll make you a fair trade, the tape for your dick." M said.

"Never…."

"Think about it, or I'll sell your dick to the Pope to clean it!"

"As long as you don't publish it on Akatsuki Gone Wild!" M shook her head.

"I have an obligation. I must reveal everything about your dirty little dicks and sex lives! AND ONE DAY RULE THE WORLD!" Konan, Jess and Itachi went bald.

"What does dicks and sex tapes have to do with ruling the world?" Jess asked.

"EVERYTHING."

"I can't do it!" Itachi screamed like a girl and ran.

"Do you have a copy…?" M asked Konan.

She nodded, scared. M laughed evilly and thunder exploded in the sky.

"You know every time you laugh like that things happen in the sky?" Jess asked.

"Yes….." M said.

"Jesus take the wheel…"

"I am Jesus…" Jess went bald… again.

"I'm running out of places to go bald."

"I just have that effect on you."

Hours later:

"WHY THE FUCK IS EVERYTHING FURRY?" Pein shouted. M and Jess ran into his office with innocent smiles on their faces.

"What's wrong Daddy?" M asked.

"What did you two do? Why is my base covered in furry walls!"

"We thought they added a nice touch to the base… and they went with the furniture…" Jess said.

"We thought this base needed a feminine touch…" M said. Pein went bald.

"I need to sit down and get laid tonight." He said, shaking his head in disapproval.

Tobi rushed into the room, "Can I do it!" He asked Pein.

"Can we film it?" M and Jess asked.

Pein looked disturbed. "NO!" He screamed and ran out of the room in fear.

"Aw! I think two sex tapes in a row would have really pleased our viewers." Jess said and M nodded in agreement. They both sighed. "Do you think he knows about the other one?"

"Shhh, keep it a secret!"

Tobi rushed after Pein. He caught him and brought him back into the room. "We are going to do it here!" Tobi started to undress Pein.

"What are you doing?" Pein shouted. "No! Stop it! Oh my god! I'm being violated!" M and Jess watched disturbed. Konan came in with the video camera. "Get your hands off my dick!" He screamed. "Oh my sweet Virgin Mary!"

"Anyone else having déjà vu from this morning?" Jess asked as the three women went bald watching Pein get raped by Tobi.

"Ow my ass!" Pein shouted as Tobi penetrated his rectum.

"This is gonna be a hit online." Konan said as she zoomed in on Pein's pain stricken face.


	18. Chapter 16

Story Starts:

It was in the dead of night. All was quiet in the Akatsuki base and all of a sudden there was a loud scream from Itachi's room. M had bitten Itachi's toe while he slept. "What the fuck are you doing?" He asked.

"I was trying to wake you up."

"Why? What the fuck do you want?"

M pulled out a dildo. "We need more sex tapes from you."

Itachi looked horrified. "NO!"

"But… but… there's been a high demand! We can disappoint our viewers!"

"I don't give a fuck about your viewers I will not be violated anymore than I already have been!"

"Where's a knife? Your dick's going to the Pope!" Itachi looked horrified again and jumped out the window. "You can't outrun me! I'm black!" M shouted from the window and followed. The chase continued until M finally caught up with Itachi.

"Now, are you going to cooperate?"

"Never!" He shouted. M pulled a knife seemingly from her ass and pointed it at Itachi.

"You know, I did this to your brother, I'll have no problems doing it to you too."

Sasuke started running towards them dramatically. "No, please not his beautiful dick too! It's too beautiful to be violated!" (The tenth circle of hell just sent us invitations…)

M looked disturbed and everyone from the Akatsuki rushed outside to see the commotion. Naruto ran towards them and screamed, "Domestic abuse!" Pointing at M and Itachi and then ran off as usual. Sasuke, M and Itachi went bald. (Does anyone have any hair left at this point?)

"Boomcock!" Tobi shouted.

"What even?" Jess asked.

"Is someone's dick gonna be cut off or did I come out here for no reason?" Pein asked.

"Well, if he agrees to make a sex tape then no." Jess said.

"You have two choices Itachi, either with Sasuke or with Kisame!" M said.

Itachi looked terrified. "Uh, uh! I DON'T KNOW! I'LL DO IT WITH ZETSU AND HIS FLOWER!" Everyone looked disturbed again.

"Oh Jesus take the wheel…" Hidan said.

"WHAT?" Kisame and Sasuke shouted. "You chose Zetsu, over us!"

"IN REALITY, I LOVE HIM!"

M fainted.

"What just happened?" Jess asked as her eye twitched.

"I'm in love with Zetsu." Itachi said and walked over to him taking him in his arms and passionately kissing him. "Let's go make beautiful children."

Pein picked up a passed out M. "I can't even say anything."

"Es ist die Macht der Liebe. " Hitler said. Pein looked at him, his eye twitching.

"I think I just lost my virginity…"

"Hunny, you lost that a long time ago." Jess said.

"Oh dear…"

Sasuke started crying, so sad his brother loved another man. "What a little faggot." Jess said.

"Wait, where'd they go?" Kisame asked as he noticed the couple wasn't present… neither was the dildo M had been holding earlier.

"Konan! Go film them!" Jess shouted.

"On it!" She saluted Jess and went off to find the lovebirds, video camera in hand.

Sasuke stomped his foot. "I'm going to go tell Orochimaru!"

"What's that going to do?" Kisame asked.

"I don't know!"

"Well knowing them they are probably going to have a threesome with Kabuto to make him feel better." Pein said.

M started waking up. "Oh I can't wait until Kabuto merges with Orochimaru during the fifth shinobi war…."

"BUT THEN IT WON'T BE A THREESOME!"

"But it will be a sex tape that never ends, because they are always inside each other." M winked.

Sasuke screamed and cried and ran away leaving everyone bald once more.

"I don't appreciate being bald like this! I like to balls to be nice and hairy!" Jess said and stroked her 12 foot dick.

"Where did that come from?" Pein asked.

"I've always had it…" Jess replied. "It kind of gets in the way sometimes, you know like when I'm walking down the street it kind of just slaps people but you know I do get made bitches."

Pein went bald for the third time that night. "I think my body can't produce anymore hair for like… another month."

"Oh… trillz, yo."

"You're not ghetto. Shut up." Jess told M.

"What are you talking about? I'm so black I make everything else black!"

"And I'm the Virgin Mary!"

"Really? Nice to meet you, Mom."

Jess' eye twitched. "Aw, sweet Jesus take the wheel."

"I've had the wheel."

THE END.


End file.
